It's Christmas

It's Christmas time

are you hanging up your stocking on your wall
There's no need to be afraid

it's the time that every Santa has a ball
At Christmas time

does he ride a red nosed reindeer
We let in light and we banish shade

does he turn up on his sleigh
And in our world of plenty
do the farries keep him sober for a day
We can spread a smile of joy

so here it is merry Christmas
Throw your arms around the world

everybody’s having fun
At Christmas time
look to the future now
But say a prayer
it's only just begun

Pray for the other ones
are you waiting for your family to arrive

At Christmas time it's hard
are you sure you've got the room to spare inside

But when you're having fun
does your granny always tell you

There's a world outside your window
that the old songs are the best

And it's a world of dread and fear
and she’s up and rock 'n' rolling with rest

Where the only water flowingso here it is merry Christmas

Is the bitter sting of tears
everybody’s having fun

And the Christmas bells that ring
look to the future now

There are the clanging chimes of doom
it's only just begun

Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you
what will your daddy do when he sees your momma kissing Santa, ahaa
Feed the world
are you hanging up your stocking on your wall

Let them know it's Christmas time
are you hoping that the snow will start to fall

Feed the world
do you ride on down the hillside

Do they know it's Christmas time at all?
in a boggy you have made
And there won't be snow in Africa
when you land upon your head

This Christmas time
then you will say

The greatest gift they'll get this year is life
so here it is merry Christmas

Where nothing ever grows
everybody’s having fun

No rain nor rivers flow
look to the future now

Do they know it's Christmas time at all?
it's only just begun
Feed the world
so here it is merry Christmas

Let them know it's Christmas time
everybody’s having fun

Feed the world
look to the future now

Let them know it's Christmas time again
it's only just begun
(Here's to you) raise a glass for everyone
so here it is merry Christmas

(Here's to them) underneath that burning sun
everybody’s having fun

Do they know it's Christmas time at all?
look to the future now
Feed the world
it's only just begun

Let them know it's Christmas time



-That's how Dave hears it.

Mini Mac Maths

Jean and Dave sat with Little Mac and his sweet daughter Mini Mac and enjoyed a delightful Chinese meal at the Tea House. The food was lovely and the conversation took on it's usual range from "How best to go the toilet" to "A woman's place in the home".

When it came time to leave, Little and Mini would be heading once more for the museum, whereas dave and Jean would be heading for the comforts of home. Jean, for some strange reason, had decided to wear lady's shoes today and her feet where now paying the price. Dave knew from his own experiences that wearing lady's shoes was always a mistake, but Jean simply refused to learn this.

"So why does Dave have to go?" asked Mini Mac

"Dave's only young," replied Little, "He can't stay out by himself."

"He's not..." argued Mini

"He IS," replied Little, " He's ONLY 22!"

Now it's possible Mini didn't fully understand how old 22 was, but she was wise enough to have learnt years ago that when her daddy speaks in that silly tone of voice it means he's talking out of the wrong hole. "He's NOT!"

"I AM 22," joined in Dave, " I REALLY AM." To which Mini Mac gave a look which clearly said, "Why do you humour my father, it just encourages him, please Dave, I expected better from you."

Jean now also dived in, "How old do you think I am?" Mini Mac was clearly unsure how to answer. "I'm 24," replied Jean for her.

To this Mini was very very happy. "Like me?!?! Your 4?!?!"

Only 4 and already better than her daddy at maths.

Wonder where she gets that from?

HULK SMASH!!

One week earlier, Dave had everything sorted out. The perfect statistical method for his data had been dropped right in his lap and all he had to do was program it in.

This turned out not to be so simple. Alas, PhD programs rarely are.

One week later, his program improved several times so that it could now work stuff out in a matter of minutes what his first attempt took weeks to do, he was all ready to run it.

And, with great pride, he found out, incredibly quickly, that this method actually didn't work for his data at all and it was back to the drawing board.

Dave's blood began to boil. His muscles began to burst out of his top, his skin turning green. He picked up the ancient relic known as his computer and smashed it into a thousand little pieces. He then continued to smash and bash everything in his path.

On seeing a mirror, he stared into his rage filled eyes and roared, "Whoa, green is TOTALLY MY colour."....

OK, so the hulk out and the smashing of the office didn't actually occur,

but it's the thought that counts.

Slice of Cheese

Anya sat clutching her daddy staring round the room like a lost kitten, silent as a lamb. She hadn't been round to Grandma Natsios' in a while and clearly needed time to settle in. Good old Grandma started the baby talk to help break the ice.

She pointed to Dave and said, "This is Santa."

Anya, unable to talk, was clearly able to understand. Her face lit up instantaneously with a tiny little cheesy smile. Clearly daddy's little girl.

She was now able to walk around without the aid of her darlek dervice and her plans for world domination were well on their way when she began to help herself to Uncle John's Ice Cream.

Bloody Christmas.

Strapped down to a table, the life being liturally sucked out of him, Dave thought, 'Wouldn't it be nice if all my friends and family did this too...'

Dave was, of cause, giving blood.

For his birthday he had raised around 150 pounds for a good cause. Dave's original plan had been to ask once again for further donations for christmas. It occured to him that some people couldn't really give a lot of cash or somehow felt that cash was too impersonal. Therefore, whilst being drained of millilitre after millilitre of the red stuff, Dave decided to expand his Christmas wish list.

"Dear Santa,

I have been a good boy this year ... honest... I would therefore like for christmas, from everyone,

1. A cash donation which I will give to charity.

OR/AND

2. A blood donation to a local blood bank. (The nearest one to me being on Dale Street, near Moorfields Station, open weekdays 9:30 - 17:00 and saturday 9:45-14:00, closed sunday.)

You will of cause be paid in your usual milk and cookies.

Dave."

He wondered how many of his friends and family would be selfless enough to take part.

Tolon Tolon

Reunited again, Dave and Jean stared lovingly into each other eyes.

"I've missed you soo much, " said Dave, to which Jean romantically replied...

"Where's my present!?!?"

Dave had spent many hours looking round shops in Pamplona for the perfect gift. It was hard. Alot of cake and clothes shops, but cakes would get smashed and Dave had better chances of bringing home a winning lottery ticket that picking the right clothes.

What else was there... Dvds, videos, T.Vs, teddies, dolls, dog food, a communist flag and a pile of russian dolls... nothing seemed right.

Finally he found it. The perfect gift. A BOTTLE OF ALCOHOL!

This was exactly the same thing that he had brought back from Italy, which meant either Dave was incredibly boring or implied that he really believed his wife was an alcoholic. Both of which were true, but neither was the true reason.

IT WAS IN A COW BOTTLE! WITH TWO LITTLE COW SHOT GLASSES! IN A COW BOX! It was sooo cool.

It's name was "Tolon Tolon". Dave had no idea what that meant.

He probably never would.

Jean liked it.

Stats Conf 2:- This time it's Impersonal.

Dave had been sent to Pamplona, north of Spain, to his second Stats Conference for the month. Compared to Italy this one was bigger, flasher, more expensive. Dave hated it.

It completely lacked the personal touch of the Italian alternative and, knowing no one and having little contact with the outside world, Dave felt isolated.

...Lonely, I'm Mr Lonely...

Added to this, even the mathematics on display was less relevant than the Italian job. Dave felt like he had wasted his time coming here on every level and could not wait to return home to good old rain drenched Liverpool.

Therefore, after missing the train and the bus to the airport, Dave did not hesitate to jump into a 100 pound taxi trip to ensure he didn't waste even one more second.

3 hrs later, he had never been happier to see Scouseland.

The Return

After a car ride, a flight, a bus ride and an overnight coach, almost missing both the flight and the coach and having the coach break down causing an extra hour delay, at 7am, after 19 hours of travel, Dave finally got off the national express at Liverpool and dived into Jean's arms.

Words could not express how much he had missed her. He was so glad to be back with her and he would never leave her side again.

Or at least not for another two weeks, after which he was being sent to Spain for another Stats conference.

It's a hard life.

Stone Camel

The beautiful little town in which Dave was staying was called "Pietracamela", liturally "Stone Camel". It took it's name from the two humped "camel" shaped mountain on which it sat.

Italian lesson:-

Pietra - Stone
Camela - Camel
Pietrafied - Dave climbing up the Stone Camel mountain.

Despite it's obvious beauty, Dave was saddened to learn that the town was doomed. It had a current population of 50 people, with only around 10 under 30 years old. The mayor himself predicted only 20 years left of life in the village, as the young would abandon it for greener lands and the old would pass away. The majority of the town now belonged to tourists who visited once every few years. There were no schools, no shopping centers, no entertainment.

And yet one of the mayors chief concerns was that he thought the lighting in the mill should be a "softer white, not a yellow, but softer than the white it is now."

The Crawler

Midweek, the large group of Statisticians took on the nearby mountain. Despite having awful balance, a fear of heights and a lack of stamina, Dave had not once turned down the challenge of a mountain, nor quit before reaching his goal, and he wasn't about to start. Besides, these were Statisticians, surely they'll be equally ill equipped, maybe, dare he dream, worse.

No. The rest of the group was up and down that mountain at a speed equivalent to a decay rate of -0.5, whilst Dave was stuck at 0.5, a joke lost on every single reader of this page, but fitting given the situation.

Walking/crawling inch by inch up the side of this mountain, Dave was asked time and time again by his bored helpers if he wanted to quit. 'Never.'

Sure enough he made it to the cottage at the top and had himself a delightful dish.

The cottage was nice, and he planned to stay there until winter when he could skate down on the snow. Alas, he was informed he must head of straight away, and he slowly began to crawl back down again.

He sliently wished Jean's mum was around to give him a helping hand.

Later that day, his efforts had not gone unnoticed and he was given a new label to wear with pride.

"The Climber"

ET phone home...

Dave collapsed into his new bed, tired and upset.

Having woke at 3am, 15 hrs ago, he had taken a taxi, a plane, a bus, two trains, a coach and a minibus to get here. He had problems at the airport with his hand luggage being too big, he had got lost in Rome, he had been given the wrong room and worst of all his phone lacked any kind of signal and he was now faced with a week cold turkey with no Jean.

The lessons hadn't started yet and this trip already sucked.

Then a light at the end of the tunnel, a payphone! After talking to Jean for 5 minutes the world suddenly took on a nicer glow. He realised how beautiful the town he was staying in really was, the weather was nice and the endless amount of delicious free food was a definite bonus.

Clearly this was how an addict felt after a quick fix. Dave would have to go to group on his return.

Change

Change always happens. Not always big, not always small, not always good, not always bad, but always. Every second of every day.

Not surprisingly then, things had recently changed for Dave.

Pea had cut his hair.

Aline had left. Back to the Land of the Mole Divas. Dave had been there as she boarded the coach to London, where, true to form, she caused everybody to be late. She wanted to get off a stop earlier and was informed, very rudely, that this was most inconvenient and she would be charged an extra ?14.50 to do so.

Despite her plans to come back in January, Dave would miss her. Hell, he had even got in a car with Princo to be able to see her off.

Aline wasn’t alone in disappearing and Dave had to saw farewell to several others too, but the biggest change of late had occurred much closer to home.

Ste and Jenny had split up.

They still wanted to be friends, and for both of them and Anya’s sake Dave agreed it would be best if they did. Jenny was a decent person and Ste had no regrets.

He wished all three the best.

Scratch

Pea had been growing his hair for around 32 years, a neat trick for a 20 year old. It had reached the point that he could use it to skip, which helped keep him in shape and gave him something to do.

It had therefore not been pleasant for him when he was given the choice of lose it or lose the roof over his head. After six weeks on the streets, he finally went to the barbers.

Dave and the rest of his brothers had never seen anything really wrong with the hair, though they had a common fear that it may make him stand out in the wrong kind of way. A group of drunks in Liverpool need very little excuse to start something. If nothing else, at least Pea would be safer walking around now.

It therefore came as quite the shock, when just days after his cut Dave recieved a phone call informing him the new look Pea had been attacked.

Pea had been going to get a takeaway, minding his own business, when he was punched in the face for no reason at all other than the sick amusement of a worthless scum. His glasses were smashed and his face was cut open requiring stitches.

The lady in the takeaway gave Pea a name and the event was then reported.

The police have a name, a time, a witness and most probably CCTV footage. What more do they need?

Aline

"Did you get Aline's text?" asked Jean, during Dave's daily phone call after work.

"No, what?"

"She's leaving."

Dave had known Aline almost from day one. Six years ago, he first saw her when she walked into his registration class by mistake on her first day of school. Having gone to school together, University together and lived together, six years down the line they were the best of friends.

And now she was leaving. Her visa had run out, she was going home.

Dave lost count of the number of friends he'd said goodbye to this year because they were "going home".

Bloody foreigners.

That Aline could find a way back one way or another Dave had no doubt. After six years of her constantly stalking him he knew he would never be rid of her that easily. As such, this wasn't goodbye, it was just...

"See you later, babe."

Draft 1

Dave had handed in a 60 page document on 'Time series Models' a week ago. He was now sitting with his supervisor discussing it.

The conversation was quite long, with little in the way of good comments.

Dave had written

"... any stationary process, under certain conditions,..."

His supervisor spent half an hour or more explaining to him that this did not make sense. It was completely stupid and missed the point entirely. How can it be "any" if it has to have "conditions", it should be "a" not "any".

To add to this, Dave had consistantly writen things like

"...would not..."

This really seemed to get under his supervisors skin. "Would not" is such a weak statement. It spits in the face of hundreds of years worth of statistical research. It should be "does not".

Dave doubted he was really cut out to be an academic. He just didn't care about such petty little things. Having said that, he would not leave here until they called him 'Doc' and he was all the more determined to succeed.

After an hour and a half of verbal abuse, made all the worse because his supervisor kept apologising which ensured Dave that he was probably holding back, Dave felt pretty good.

Despite everything he had been told, this paper had a LOT less comments scribbled over it than his last one so Dave was happy to be headed in the right direction.

Either that, or his supervisor's pen had run out...

July 2006

On the 5th of July, Jean became yet another year older. Now 24 it would not be long before she would be collecting a pension. Since Dave's money was all Jean's anyway, an expensive present seemed somewhat daft. Dave, therefore, opted for the sentimental touch. An A3 sized picture of Jean lovingly penciled in and an extended addition of his blog. She seemed happy.

July 6th saw Anya becoming one year old, although the party wouldn't be till Saturday. Becoming one was a very serious matter. With great age comes great responsibilities and Anya felt she needed a few days to adjust to the new pressures of life before she would be ready to face the world. Jean, meanwhile, was putting her best foot forward and attending an interview at RNIB (Royal National Institution of the Blind).

July 7th Jean recieved first contact from RNIB asking her to come in and provide a little further information. Dave assured her this was probably a good sign, despite them assuring her she was not yet guaranted anything.

July 8th, Anya finally had to face her public as the vast majority of both her parents families were pouring into her little house. Stylish as ever, she decided to be fashionably late and slept for the early part of her party before coming down and kicking off the fun. She was very quickly buried under a mountain of gifts.

July 10th and Jean recieved a phone call from RNIB. It was not good news. IT WAS GREAT NEWS!!! She got the job!!! Life is good. Dave went out after work with her to celebrate with a very quick drink. Shell also tagged along claiming it was her birthday.

July 14th Jean went down to RNIB to tie up the lose ends and discovered she would be starting July 31st.

July 15th the happy couple went partying to celebrate once more at Aline's. Drink, music and a handful of friends with belated birthday presents for both Dave and Jean made for a very agreeable night. Shell tagged along again, this time claiming that the party was not only for her birthday but that this was her house. Some people.

After several very hot and uncomfortably sweaty days, July 24th saw the happy couple happy once again whilst celebrating being a couple. It had been one year since their little party in China which offically declared them united. It had been a lovely little wedding.

July 25th saw two boys and two girls wearing very little getting physical and wet together. After swimming, Aline and Macca came home with Dave and Jean and enjoyed a very delightful meal cooked by a very delightful Mrs Dave and the housepet.

As the end of July approached, with Jean all set to start her dream job, it was shaping up to be a very nice little month.

34 things to do before your 10.

Randomly surfing the net, Dave bumped accross an interesting article entitled "33 things kids should do before they're 10". As he glanced over the list, he wondered how many his niece Emma would have done, how many his niece Anya will do and how many he himself had gotten round to...


1. Roll on your side down a grassy bank

2. Make a mud pie

3. Make your own modelling dough mixture

4. Collect frogspawn

5. Make perfume from flower petals

6. Grow cress on a windowsill

7. Make a papier mâché mask

8. Build a sandcastle

9. Climb a tree

10. Make a den in the garden

11. Make a painting using your hands and feet

12. Organise your own teddy bears' picnic

13. Have your face painted

14. Play with a friend in the sand

15. Make some bread

16. Make snow angels

17. Create a clay sculpture

18. Take part in a scavenger hunt

19. Camp out in the garden

20. Bake a cake

21. Feed a farm animal

22. Pick some strawberries

23. Play pooh sticks

24. Recognise five different bird species

25. Find some worms

26. Ride a bike through a muddy puddle

27. Make and fly a kite

28. Plant a tree

29. Build a nest out of grass and twigs

30. Find ten different leaves in the park

31. Grow vegetables

32. Make breakfast in bed for your parents

33. Make a mini assault course in your garden/the park

He was imediately struck by a question. What on earth did "23. Play pooh sticks" mean?

Some research later, well after all he was doing a PhD, he discovered "pooh sticks" was a game invented by Whinnie the Pooh, where people drop sticks in the water under a bridge and see whose stick comes out the other side of the bridge first.

Thinking back to his own childhood, he remembered something that surely every child should experience that had been neglected in this list.

He remembered very fondly sitting with his mother as she read to him and his brother. Something so simple, yet unforgettable and unmissable. He therefore amended his list.

34. Learn to read with your parents.

Geneva

Having finally arrived in Geneva, after four days of travel the magical Swiss pass finally lost it's powers and expired. It was then that Dave read a leaflet about the Swiss pass. Apparently it could also give free access to most of the museums they had paid to see. Huh.

Four days of travel, little sleep and sorching temperatures finally took it's toll on the group and they examined the Geneva museums half-heartedly. It was time to eat.

They found a nice restaurant near the Geneva main station and got stuck in. The food was nice, from what Dave could remember of his very large salad, but the truly rememberable experience was the company.

No of cause Dave wasn't thinking of the Trio stuffing there faces along side of him. He'd seen them 24/4. No, he was mesmorised by the univited little guests.

Small birds snuck into the restaurant and, when Jean had gone to the toilet, now sat pearched on Jean's plate finishing her left-overs. It was an unbelievably adorable sight.

After the food and a short mid-day nap for the Trio whilst Dave read quitely, they set off to take advantage of one of Geneva's highlights.

Free Bike rental.

A 50 francs returnable deposit ( just over 20 pounds) and some ID was all that was required and then 3 hours of Bicycle fun. Dave hadn't rode a bike for several years. He was slightly worried he was about to make a complete prat out of himself.

Thankfully it's true, you never forget.

Riding around the Geneva lake, with the sun shining and a cool breeze was a wonderful end to a wonderful journey.

Switzerland should certainly be on everyone's to do list.

Thank you Lin Yin.

Bern

BEARS!!! Real live cuddly, sitting, standing, walking talking bears!! Well, not talking, but still. Bern had a bears. Three times as many bears as there had been pandas in the chinese panda park! All three of them were very cute. Though they kinda looked a little sad.

In a small theatre next door to the bears, Dave discovered that Bern took it's name from the bears that used to run wild in the forrest which was were Bern now stands, along with other interesting facts. So these bears were in fact the rightful owners of Bern and had been locked up for a crime they didn't commit. Dave quickly had images of a Prison Break.

Another notable creature that used to live in Bern was Einstein. Dave visited the very flat were the stupid genius lived and heard all about his life story. Unfortunately, Einstein wasn't home.

Einstein was a failure. He flunked out of school and was refused entry into several universities. Originally German, he quit his nationality to become Swiss. The Swiss didn't want him and he spent five years without nationality.

Funny how big trees can grow from small acorns.

It was a nice place to visit.

Just outside Einstein's flat was the grand clock tower. Every tourist in the city had been told that something would happen when the clock struck the hour. A crowd had quickly gathered.

5 minutes to and some little people spun round for 3 seconds.

3 minutes to and a little bird flapped it's wings once and squarked.

On the hour the people spun, the bird squarked and a man hit a bell.

The whole crowd was left with a sense of 'is that it?' Have you ever stood watching a clock for almost 10 minutes?

South of the clock lay several museums. The gun museum was of particular interest to Dave. Not because he had any interest what so ever in guns, but because of the guy who worked there and showed them around.

This guy, like the guy from the clock-museum of Zurich, genuinely loved his job. Dave was once again left with a pang of jealously and hoped one day he too would find his dream.

Overall Bern was wonderful and Dave felt very sorry to leave it. Especially because their next stop would be there last...

Interlaken

After another train ride filled with Ba Shi Fen fun, the quartet checked in at Interlaken, the home of the highest mountain in Europe.

The magical power of the Swiss pass seemed to faulter at certain altitudes and only a 50% discount was available for the trip to the Top of Europe. After the discount, this came to 78.50 francs per person (around 35 pounds). Later, looking down on the clouds, Dave decided it was worth it.

The Top had plenty to see and do.

Dave was having a snow fight whilst England was having it's annual heat-wave-week it likes to call summer. The view was blinding. The lack of clouds allowed the sun her true majesticity, the purest snow-white snow reflected this brilliance some more. Sun-glasses would have been advisable. Having no sun-glasses to hand Dave stayed outside just long enough to finish the battle, create new life in the form of a snowman and watch a new death as Jean booted it's little head across the horizon.

Back inside the quartet ventured into the frosty realms of The Ice Palace, a building made purely from Ice, walls, floors and all. Scattered around the Palace lay ice sculptures of various shapes and sizes. Dave's study of "Narnia" told him these all used to be living creatures. He was therefore very thankful the giant mouse was no longer walking around.

There were also restaurants, shops and skiing available, though the quartet lacked the time. Instead they lazily sat at the uppermost point of the lookout station in awe. Dave wondered how much effort must have gone into creating this building. What did people say to the man when he first suggested the idea?

"See that mountain, the big one? I'm gonna build a shopping centre up there."

Dreams can come true.

After sending out postcards to various corners of the world the quartet returned back down the mountain side, watching out for mountain goats and cows with bells.

Where ever they were going next, how could Lin Yin possibly 'top' that?

Zurich

Dave and Jean where going to the far away magical kingdom of Switzerland, with two fairy people, Bian Ce and Lin Ying. Bian Ce was the couple's new pet, who lived with them now in their spare room. Lin Ying was the All knowing Sage who had the great book of knowledge of all things Swiss. It was she who had booked all flights and hotels in the four cities they would stay and she who told them of all places of interest and of the great Swiss Pass which would allow them free transport on trains, buses and boats.

Dave was enormously grateful.

Day one, after an embrassingly small plane ride, compared to the the China adventures Dave was now used to, and a train journey filled with Ba Shi Fan fun, the group arrived at Zurich.

Within moments of taking control of the map, Dave had succeeded in getting them hopelessly lost. An hour later however, it was Dave who came to the rescue and ultimately found the Hotel. It would be this second fact that Dave would focus on.

The Hotel was nice enough, with free Bread, Milk and Porn (both on the TV and in the form of the girl across the street striping in front of an open window).

Zurich had many similar features to back home. As with Liverpool town centre, shops such as H&M, Lush and the mighty McDonalds filled every street corner. There were also obvious differences, for example Zurich had trams, whilst Liverpool had tramps.

Under the guidance of the great Lin Ying, the group found their way to see the national Museum, filled with all sorts of wonderous things, including an unlabelled cup which Dave therefore naturally assumed must be the Holy Grail.

They continued there journey south, and found there way, eventually, to the pretty cool, though slightly small, Bayer's Clock Musuem. It was shoved in the basement of a watch shop and therefore not so easy to spot. They had walked past it twice.

The shop was filled with all kinds of neat little clocks and watchs great and small. The man in charge clearly loved his work and spoke with a passion about every item on display. Dave couldn't help wishing he had a job he loved that much.

Two boat rides, a tram trip and a brief shopping spree later and the group finally headed to the station and said a fond farewell to their new home.

What wonderous place would Lin Ying have in store for them next?

Father's Day 2006

A war had broken out. A war of Art. Alan and Peter battled constantly for the crown of best Natsios Artist.

The term war may be slightly too strong. More of a fisticuffs, which Peter was only vaguely aware of and Alan found only slight irritation over and no one else cared. Never the less, Dave had decided this Father's day he would enter the battleground fully armed. He had produced an A3 picture of himself with his daddy and needed only a frame.

Alan and Jean joined him on his quest to find an A3 frame and all three failed miserably.

Oh well. They then contiuned on to see the Father.

On the bus ride, they met with there ever present stalker Khany. Jean sat to chat with him, whilst the Natsios brothers sat further back.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, Alan said,"You spit that again and I'm going to shove that down your throat."

Dave was completely confused, until a teenager two seats back stood up angerily waving a straw saying, "Your gonna shove this down me throat r ya?"

Dave had not even noticed the spitting and Alan was already shorting it. He looked at the kid with an almost bored expression and said simply, "If you spit it again, yes."

The kid stared at him some more. Dave wondered what he was thinking. Although Alan was not actually all that tall, most of his friends found him so damn scary they would usually guess his height at around 8ft. How big did he look to this 2ft punk who was considering 'starting something'? Clearly big enough, since he sat back down and shut up.

Dave was impressed.

On arrival at the Fathers, Dave was surprised to learn that people were surprised he could draw. How the heck could his own mum not know he could draw?!?!

The picture was liked, despite being frameless and they all lived happily ever after...

..for the rest of the day.

The Talk

The month of June, usually a sunny happy time when all people great and small celebrated the birth of Dave, had been clouded this year. Clouded, not only literally, but figeratively.

Dave's birthday paln had thus far been succesful, raising 100 pounds, with only a handful of presents slipped in by mistake. Unfortuantely, Dave himself had been unable to enjoy the success.

The weeks before his birthday, and his actual birthday, had been spent worrying night and day about completing his annual review. A paper, required only to be between 5 to 10 pages, needed to be handed in. It was almost 70 pages long before his supervisor was happy and he handed in it the morning after his birthday and collasped. Quite literally. He stayed in bed the rest of that day and the day after, full of cold. A handful of friends came round to point and laugh.

He appreciated it.

Days later, with his illness slowly recovering, he needed one final piece to complete his review and ensure him a place in Uni next year. He needed to give an hour long speech about his work to all the members of the department. His overall luck stayed with him, as his illness was almost entirely gone by the day of the speech, except for his voice, which was still gone. But who needed a voice to give a speech anyway?

He arrived 10 minutes early to set up. He had prepared a beautiful powerpoint slide show, with around 30 slides. He would give a brief over few of his topic, with historical references and explain what he had been doing.

15 minutes later, 5 minutes late, the first person arrived to watch. Another 10 minutes later they realised he was the ONLY person who was coming to watch.

"I have no interest in this subject," he declared, "You can skip the background information."

The speech was thrown out of the window. The new, improvised speech was considerably smaller, though still focussed very much on the slideshow. Until 5 minutes later, of cause, when the computer died without reason and the slideshow dissappeared.

"Alright, your supervisors are happy for u to continue next year, that will do."

... That was it? Months of hassle and heartache from his supervisor and it was all over with a "that will do"?

'Whatever,' thought Dave, 'At least it's over.'

'That will do.'

Anya's new crib.

Anya, Dave's second neice, had grown tired of her little home and had finally decided to move. Less than a year old, and this would be her third home, not including the hospital in which she was born. Once again she decided to take her parents Ste and Jenny along for the ride. Well, someone had to look after them.

The new place was bigger with less rent and a moderately green neighbourhood. Anya had done well. She had her own room, which was connected to Ste and Jenny's one of cause, so she could keep them out of mischief, filled with all the latest technology. A talking teddy! Genius.

She had also created herself a darlek-davros-type walking machine, so she was mobile and her plans for world domination were well on there way.

And finally she had a cage to lock herself up in the living room...

strange child...

Interesting Statistics

With a hugh essay to write and very little time to do it, Dave did what any good student would. He researched completely unrelated facts on the internet.

Apparently, on average, every year each person in England spends:

?48 on themself for their birthday
?31 on a present for each close friend or relative
?83 on each child they have
?200 on birthday parties

That comes to around ?20,000,000,000 every year for the country.

'Interesting,' thought Dave. He then continued to find more unrelated facts and figures and actually did a little bit of maths.

It costs ?2 to feed a child for a week in a poor country.

Thats ?104 to feed a child for the whole year.

Thats around 192,307,692 children wishing England a Happy Birthday this year.

'That's nice.'

Perfect Age

The perfect age to be, currently 21, was due for it's annual review in just over one month on June 15th. Judging from various social, environmental and political issues, experts expected a rise in the perfect age from 21 to 22.

This was good news for Dave, currently 21 and the perfect age, who, coincidently, would also age one year on the day of the review, June 15th. He had his figures crossed.

This year he wanted to do something slightly different for his birthday. He wanted to donate it to charity.

He wanted no cards, no presents, no wrapping paper, no shinny things and no cake... well maybe a little cake, but no candles. Instead, he wanted every penny that would have been spent on him donated.

He had a charity in mind. Orphans in China who currently recieve far less for the whole year than Dave was likely to earn on that one day. He knew someone with connections in such a Chinese orphanage and was exploring the most effective way to help out, be it simply handing the money over now, or holding on to it until his next trip to China to ensure it's full usage.

He didn't expect this tiny contribution would greatly alter the world as we know it, but in the words of one of the finest philosophers around today,

"Every little Helps"
- T. Esco.

"I have a secret..."

Sunday saw the usual cramming of people into a little house for Easter/Dad's birthday fun. As always, Dave was happy to see his family and big talk of marriage and bridesmaid dresses was in the air.

Dave felt slightly disappointed that Ste and Jenny had asked Emma to be bridesmaid, not him, but oh well, can't win im all. It was clear from Alan's face that he felt the same. Baldy would have been perfect for the little purple dress they had.

Emma, as always, dragged Dave to one side so they could begin their teach/play battle all over again.

"I have a secret..." she annouced suddenly.

"What?"

"I know your Father Christmas!"


....

.... big belly... beard... hardly ever sees her... it was all so obvious!

Dave was Father Christmas!

Oops

Dave had been bashing away at his computer for months in a desperate attempt to have a very important paper all done and dusted in time to go to press.

That's right, this would be published, Dave's name would be in print.

Now approaching the final week, when all the results should be well and truely in and only a quick write up should be required, Dave gave his program a final once over check.

'... oh no...'

There were advantages and disadvantages to the copy/paste method of repeating something 1000 times. The obvious advantage was it was unbelievably quicker than writing it all out each time.

The disadvantage being one tiny, crucial, mistake in the first one would become 1000 tiny, crucial mistakes and the whole set of results would be useless.

'....that should be "i-1" not just "i"....'

Damn.

Mother's day 2006

Ingredients:

5 'children' aged 19 to 28
5 'children's' partners
2 grandchildren
1 husband

Throw the ingredients randomly into a small 2 bedroomed terraced house, shake well and voila the perfect mother's day present.

This year had come so close to that, with only Pea and Rach letting the side down, shame on them. Flowers, chocolates and cards filled the room. Dave, in his never ending attempt to be original, wrote his mummy a book. Or rather he printed out his already written blog. Either way his mummy was pleased, and that's all that mattered.

Having twelve peoples great and small in one little house, mostly in one little room, is pretty snug. Dave was quite often dragged away by his over excited neice Emma. "Let's play hide and seek!!!"

"Emm, there's not alot of places to hide in this room..."

"I can hide under the bed! Come on, let's play!"

... doesn't knowing where a person is hiding kinda spoil the game just a tad?

Dave began his equally determined attempt to try and teach his neice a few new reading words. The battle of wits commenced. It ended up very much in a tie, with Emma under the bed and Dave reading "Red, Blue, Yellow..." to himself.

His other neice, Anya, was as predictable as ever. The amount she cried seemed directly poportional to the inverse of how close she was to Jean. i.e the closer she got to Jean, the louder she got. So cute.

Everyone else sat around chatting about this or that while stuffing themselves full of Teddy-bear cookies.

It was an overall happy occasion.

Physical Perfection

Approximately 4500 people gathered together for one sole purpose. The Liverpool half-marathon. Weeks and weeks of training boiled down to the next few hours. Pushing the human body through higher and higher levels of exhustion. Sweat, stress and fatigue. Waking early every morning for a quick half hour sprint took an impressive amount of will power and determination.

For most people, the run lasted around 2hrs and it was just under 2 hours into it when Dave and Jean approached the finish line at Sefton Park.

They hadn't run the race, oh gosh, no. Dave was tired just watching. No, they were on the otherside of the fence, in the crowd, awaiting the arrival of Tony, who had run. He finished 3 minutes before his 2 hour goal and looked like he was about to die. He seemed to have lost around 3 stone during the race, his previous nickname of "Big" no longer applicable.

Dave was enormously impressed.

Later that day, Dave saw even more impressive people. The Chinese State Circus was in town.

'Wow'

How can someone climb up a 20 ft, vertical, smooth pole, in less than two seconds without even using his feet?

There was spinning and climbing and balancing and jumping and fighting and cute lions and impressive dragons and bendy girls.

A blur of images, most of which should be impossible.

How long and hard must a person train to achieve such heights (both liturally and figuratively speaking)?

'Wow'

With renewed determination, Dave went home and was straight back into his press-ups.

"...20....21.... aaaaaah"

*THUD.*

It's all Greek to me.

"So... what do you recomend?" Dave was asked, for the seventh time that minute.

"I really don't know," he replied, trying to keep his cool.

What was so hard to understand? Dave was half Greek and his dad was the Greek Chef who cooked at THIS Greek restaurant. Why would people imediately assume from this that Dave might know which food was best? Truth was, he'd probably eaten less Greek food in his life than anyone else at the table. He probably spoke less Greek too.

"So... what do you suggest?"

'AAH!'

In the end they ordered the banquet, after which the food just kept coming and coming. It was endless and nice, a delightful combination. Half-way through, Macca turned to Dave and said, "Tell your dad he's beaten me, I can't finish any more." The others gave in one by one after that, each very satisfactorily stuffed.

Suddenly Aline started shouting and bouncing around excitedly. There was Dave's daddy, off to the toilet. 'Drat,' thougth Dave. He had planned to ask to see the chef at the end of the meal, without anyone knowing his true identity, bwahahaha. Even the table had been booked under the name Mr Mathews. 'Oh well, better early than never.'

Dave's daddy was happy to see his "cheeky monkey", but it seemed Dave's dad's boss was even happier. "You look just like your dad!! Everyone come see!! Little Vasili!!!" The rest of his father's work mate's gave him a look of absolute "so?", except one kind waitress who asked innocently, "Is he your grandfather?"

And yet he wasn't excited enough to offer a discount.

After the meal came the Greek dancing and belly dancing. Smashing plates and setting fire to things, the Greek's are truly cultured. Dave couldn't be sure if the boss had had a private word or if it was just coincedence, but it turned out that Dave's table was picked to all get up and dance, with Khany going to the extreme and wearing pretty much full belly dancing suit. Twas highly entertaining, even if Dave's father refused to join in. Still, it was great to see him.

A wonderful meal, a wonderful dance, a wonderful night.

"..but the chicken was a little dry, dad."

Spring

Early March, Spring was just around the corner and since Dave was still doing his door to door job for the Echo, were warm weather is unbelivably helpful, that could only mean one thing.

Snow. Lots and lots of snow.

The snow left Dave with a mixture of feeling, fear of sliding flat on his face in front of potential customers, concern that such heavy snow at this time of year was early signs of the horrors Global Warming would produce and finally a sense of "oooh snow... pretty...." It was a magical time of year, when small children could create and then brutally murder inocent snowchildren.

Another symptom of Early March was Lent. Dave and his friends, a few days late, sat around and made some vows. Shell, who lacked imagination, went for giving up chocolate, again. Isadrunk decided to not talk about horroscopes. This of cause then became the center of the disscusion, everyone talking about various horroscopes and getting it all wrong while Isadrunk turned blue holding her breath. After a while, Jean had given up playing Spider Solitaire, a serious addiction of hers, and Dave had sworn to do 50 press-ups a day.

On returning home that evening, Dave dropped to the floor and got right into it.

"11.... 12..... aaahhh.... " said Dave, as he collasped, "50 comes right after 12 right?"

Jean didn't hear him. She was busy playing Spider Solitaire.

Jos' 21st

Still February and Dave was celebrating another birthday. Why did the smallest month of the year contain the most getting old days? Twas a puzzle.

Saturday 25th Feb saw Dave and Jean at Jos' 21st birthday party, in the middle of no where, miles away from cilvilization. It was a kareoke party, or a 'Terryoke' party as the guy in charge of it had called it. Dave assumed his name must be George.

The fact that Dave had once earned the title 'Kareoke Dave' for singing kareoke several times a week made people kind of expect a performance. This was worrying.

"Why are you nervous? Just get up and sing a song!" said Jean, repeatedly.

Well, he was nervous for several reasons.

1) The vast majority of the audience were Christian. This meant the choice of song had to be carefully screened so as not to offend. Such songs as "Losing my Religion" and "Like a Prayer" may not have gone down well. Even "Imagine" would have coursed Dave to choke when it came to "Imagine there's no heaven...".

2) Dave usually didn't care what random people thought of him. However the people in this room were not random. They were people he saw quite frequently in church. More importantly, they were people whose opinion seemed to matter a great deal to Jean. He could not joke around and do something stupid up there, he had to actually sing. He didn't know for certain if he could sing, he had always got pretty mixed feedback.

3) The last time he had been up in front of these people he had choked, he had said "Hi..." and then stared at them blankly for 20 minutes. They would ALL be watching him this time.

4) Jean believed he could sing. She had never seen him do kareoke before, but she believed in him.

5) He hadn't actually done kareoke by himself before, he had always had someone else as a safety net. Except one time, when he sung Barbie girl, though that was obviously a joke and could not have been taken otherwise.

"Why are you nervous? Just get up and sing a song!" said Jean, repeatedly.

"OK."

When Dave finally took centre stage his prediction had been spot on. The entire room fell silent before the song had began to play. All eyes were indeed on him. 'Gulp' sprang to mind. The song began suddenly, he missed the first few words. Then he began.

Can you Feel the Love tonight, Elton John.

The room disapeared, he had eyes only for Jean. He sung his heart out. He was starting to feel pretty good. It was going unbelieveably well.

When the song finished he returned to his wife's side.

"Yeah, I could tell you were nervous, you didn't do very well."

Dang.

Mother Hen's 25th

Friday 24th February Dave's dear sweet mother turned 25. How she was 25 with a 28 year old son was a puzzle, but if she said she was 25 who was Dave to argue?

The day began with Dave sitting around in his musty old office twiddling his thumbs, whilst working out staggering new discoveries in the frontier of statistics. Same old, same old.

Around 3pm he grew weary and decided it was time to call it a day. On his way out he checked his mailbox. There lay a single little letter. It was a very nice letter.

It was a long overdue check for 1500.

Next stop, bank.

On his way back from the bank he was rewarded with yet another great surprise. They were giving away free goody bags from 3! Hurrah! This day just got better and better and with a visit to his mum's and a night out still to come what could possibly go wrong?

He had to ask.

After the 45 min trip to his mother's home he discovered it was empty. His parents had gone to Southport and failed to mention it. Considering they had asked him to come over in the first place, Dave was not amused. With his spirits damped, he went straight onto the night out stage and met some friends for a meal.

The night out did not go to plan. Two many people apparently spoiled the broth as everyone argued amongst themselves as to where best to go. Still, Dave made the best of a bad situation and enjoyed seeing all his brothers in the same place for the first time in a long time. You win some, you lose some.

Happy Birthday Mum.

Mr Cheese's 23rd

The day after Valentines, the too Cheesy Cheescake going stale in the fridge, was Mr Cheese's birthday. Birthdays were suppose to be happy events, this one didn't quite fit the bill.

Jenny's Grandfather had passed away.

Dave found this out just after he had started to nag his brother into going out, having fun and now felt about two inches tall. Maybe next week.

He had never personally known Jenny's Grandfather but he did know Jenny and that was enough. He hoped she was ok.

Later that day, he said a fond farewell to his sweetheart, she was off to visit a friend in Manchester and wouldn't be back for three days. Minutes after he left her he was missing her already.

He didn't sleep well that night, the house was all big and empty. He didn't sleep well the next night either. Then his little brother rang and asked if he wanted to go out.

Hold the phone, Pea wanted to go out?!?!

Considering Pea was usually less social than a hermit, his timing could not have been worse. He wanted to go on the day of Jenny's Grandfather's funeral, the week of Ste's birthday, without Ste and he was asking a Dave who hadn't slept in two days.

Unfortantly the answer was no.

Maybe next week.

Valentine's Day 2006

Dave dived from the bed. It was still early. Very early. 10 am, Jean might not be up for hours. He had time.

It was Febuary 14th 2006, Valentines Day. Jean had assured Dave on several occasions that she REALLY didn't want anything. Valentines was a stupid idea. People who are truely in love don't need to show it with such a silly special occasion. Dave had agreed whole heartedly.

Yet, to not get anything at all just because a girl says she doesn't want anything would be a rookie mistake. Dave would not be that rookie.

And so it was, at the ridiculously early time of 10:10am Dave was out the door and on a bus to the city center. He knew exactly where to go and what to buy.

Everytime Jean entered the city center Tesco her eyes wondered to the fancy dessert section. Two cheesecakes and a pair of tartes for a little under ?10. She clearly wanted them, her mouth watering, but it would always result with, "They too expensive, it's a waste of money."

?10 may be a little steep for a snack to go with your coffee, but it was excellent value for money for a gift to make someone really happy. Price is always relative. Add some seriously pretty Poundland candles and it was the food of love.

Dave rushed in and out and was on his way home in no time.

Metres away from the frontdoor, he received a text. "Happy V Day."

Perfect!

He instantly responded, "I'm soooo sorry, I completely forgot! Happy V Day to you too."

Then in he went.

Jean was thrilled. Mission acomplised.

Playing with MonkeyBalls.

Having said a fond farewell to their French Philipine housemate, it was time to celebrate!

The celebration, of cause, was not for kicking out her, but for Isadrunk's 22nd Bday. The two days being one and the same was just a happy coincidence. Dave, Jean and Midleg Tiny all arrived at Isadrunk's place together and were imediately attacked by a Shell holding a camera.

"Happy Birthday"

Not much more was mentioned about the fact of what day it was. There was an X-Box 360 in the room. Monkeys. In Balls. Beating the cr&p outa each other. Ingeniously called MonkeyBall. What more could anyone ask for?

"Your surprisingly good at beating up Monkey Balls," someone said to Jean

"I've had plenty of practice."

MonkeyBall finished, it was time for the important person to take center stage. Shell. And her holiday slides. After half an hour, Macca rather quickly seemed to decide it was time to go home.

"That's my mum outside, gotta go, byeeeeee"

3,127 slides later and it was time for another round of Monkeys in Balls. When the fun finally ended, it was time to call another taxi and say another goodbye.

"Happy Birthday."

Hope you enjoyed it.

Mireille

The months had flown by. It seemed like only yesterday Dave had agreed to let a friend of a friend of a friend come to live with them and now here he was calling for the taxi that would take her back home. Or at least to the bus which would take them to the airport, a taxi from Liverpool to Paris would not have been the best of plans.

Mirelle had been a great roomate, easily the best Dave and Jean had that year. Now she was packed and ready to go. It was a shame. Dave would really miss that money. From start to finish Mirelle had not caused the slightest of bother, always friendly and smiling. Everyone who met her agreed she was kinda like a sweet little kitten.

Of cause she had her bad points too. She hadn't bought Dave a house in Paris, no matter how many times he had hinted and she was very selfishly going back to paris for her studies, family and future instead of staying in Liverpool to keep the happy couple company. Tut tut.

'Still,' thought Dave as she pushed the last of her stuff into the taxi and gave them both a farewell hug, 'at least I had the last laugh. I stole one of her cookies.'

'Bwahaha.'

"Au revoir".

Work Hard, Play Hard.

Sleep too long, study too little, work, waste the afternoon and repeat. Just days back from China and things were already starting to follow an oh too familar pattern. Something had to give. It was time for a change. It was time to get tough.

Work Hard, Play hard.

Which, of cause, began with Step 1: Play Hard.

Friday night saw Dave out on the town, in a posh little French way rather than the ever-increasingly-vulgar British way. Surrounded by a select handful of some of his closest friends, and Macca, he sat down to a delightful French meal in some forgotten corner of Liverpool. It was relaxed, joyful and fun.

Saturday morning saw Dave and his fair maiden off to the wonderous little town of Chester. Walking the old wall, along the riverside, through the strange mix of modern shops in old town buildings, seeing the Cathedral and best of all the Squirrels. How can anything be that cute?

Dave did feel a little sorry for the pigions though. A squirrel jumps from a tree and everyone thinks it's so cool. A pigion can fly and it's met mostly by indifference. What does the humble pigion have to do to earn respect?

One of the strangest things about Chester was McDonalds. Dave had been to McDonalds from Portugal to China and they all were exactly the same. It had always felt like he had magically been transported back to England whenever he had entered one. How strange then, that here in Chester, a mere hour away from the Liver Buildings, McDonalds had an entirely unique feel. The chairs, the tables, the colour scheme, all different. Unfortantly the food remained unchanged.

Saturday night and it was back to Liverpool for yet another meal with a different group of friends. Just to try something new they went for Chinese. Whilst everyone was speaking Manderin or Cantonese it felt reasuring to have the sweet little french girl on Jean's otherside mirror his look of absolute "uh?".

When the clock struck 12 it was HAPPY NEW YEAR! china time.

Sunday saw Dave and Jean out and about again. China town was putting on a show for the locals and Jean was bursting to see it.

One little dragon waved about aimlessly, surrounded by more people than Liverpool could safely hold. It was time for plan B.

Dave and Jean met up with his Big Bro Baldy and the newly appointed Mrs Baldy and dissappeared off to the Albert dock for a day of looking at tasteless tacky tourist shops. It was great. He hadn't been for so long, it was nice to see everything exactly how he had left it.

The rest of the weekend was spent chillin' on Dave's home turf. He went to see his Mother dearest and Good ole Papa.

Step 1 was coming along nicely.

Home, Sweet Home

Exhausted, hungry, unhappy and quite noticebly smelly, Dave and Jean finally stumbled through their front door.

Home, Sweet Home.

It was Sunday night, Jan 15th, 2006. They would have little chance to sleep. Dave would have to be up and off to Uni to try and catch up his studies, then later it was straight back into his nightly echo role. Jean would be up even earlier for her daily treck to her employment.

That stupid job. She recieved 100 a week for 45 hours of work and another 10 hours traveling back and forth. It was because of that job that their trip had been so badly timed. China for Christmas and New Year and England for Chinese New Year. How pointless was that? It was going half-way around the world to avoid having a celebration, for three of the biggest celebrations in the world. Still, it had been the only time Jean could take off and therefore the only time they could go.

Dave shifted through the mountain of mail as Jean washed up. Jean finished just as dave came across a letter addressed to her. "Here, it's from your job."

"We are sorry to inform you..."

She'd been fired?!?! Those lowsy, good for nothing, pieces of...

Her contract had not been renewed. Before she had left they had mentioned promotion, a week later she wasn't good enough? Jean called her former employer and the news was confirmed. She was invited to come round the following day for an explanation.

The following day came, Jean did the hour journey there one last time. Her 'boss' had 'forgot' to show up. Jean packed up her desk and said a fond fairwell to the hell hole.

It felt good to have such a good old English welcome back.

It's nice to be home.

The Little Black Bag

Leaving San Ming was never easy. The luggage weighing in at a combined total of around 70kg didn't help matters much. Dave's main challange was the Little Black Bag. Alone, it weighed around 30kg. Although it had wheels, they were very misbehaving, and usually went in random directions. It was easily big enough to be awkward, but just small enough to make it uncomfortable to drag along the floor, even if the wheels worked. The overall shape was that of a big blob of mash potatoe. This would be fun.

Carried down 6 flights of stairs, thrown into a car, lifted out at the station, dragged through the station hitting every bumb, up and down ramps and stairs, lifted onto and through the train, then back off again, dragged through another station, ramps, stairs, onto a coach, off a coach, into a hotel, back out, lifted in and out of a taxi, round an airport and onto a plane.

When added to the lack of sleep during the 48hr trip, Dave was incredibly happy to finally touch down in Manchester and have it safely tucked away onto an airport trolly.

Unfortantly, this is were it made an unscheduled stop at the customs.

Lifted onto the table, opened up and emptied out.

"I'm sorry, your not allowed to bring meat in, or shellfish..."

The conversation was neither short nor sweet, but at the end of it the Little Black Bag had managed to lose 6kg in a matter of minutes. Slim fast eat your heart out.

6kg! That was almost a third of it's stupid, uncontrolable, bulky mess. Argh!!

This argh was not helped by the fact that that third had probably cost a fair bit of money and had been the highest quality stuff. Not only had he just carried that all the way to England for no good reason, but now he wouldn't have anything to eat when he got home.

He wasn't happy. Jean wasn't happy.

'I just wanna go home and sleep.'

Bye Bye San Ming

San Ming is a lovely little town on the southern coast of China. What makes it lovely is not the buildings, the food or the endless supply of clothes shops, though these do have there charms. What makes it lovely is the sweet little smile that appeared on Jean's face whenever she was home, sweet home. There isn't a greater sight in all the world.

This being so, Dave felt like the biggest pile of horse manure the world have ever known when it came to taking Jean back to England. If it wasn't for him, what reason would she have for going back? What possible reason could there be to take that smile away from her?

The last day came and went. There was the last game of 'Ba shi fan', the early morning rush to the train station and the predicatable tears.

As Dave held his wife in the dead of night, trying his best to comfort her, he thought

'Dave, your an asshole.'

Seeing the Sights

China, in general, seems to be a beautiful country, with plenty of places to see. Dave had been to several. Tombs, ancient battlegrounds, giant Buddhas, temples, the Great Wall... the list goes on and on. Words can never truely grasp such places with any justice.

What words can describe was a reaccuring event which seemed to happen at every location...

Dave stared down as Jean and her mum disappeared into the distance. The road was almost vertical, not to mention slippy, how did they move so fast? There was one obvious way he could catch up, but that would hurt. Falling from great hights was not on Dave's 'to do' list.

Eventually one of them, usually Jean's mum, would turn back and offer a helping hand. Linking arms with someone who is helping you to stay upright makes one feel incredibly old and feable.

"Is this because your afraid of heights?"

"No, it's because I have less balance than a one-legged chair." 'Though being afraid of heights really doesn't help much.'

Occasionally one of Dave's feet would slip slightly. This produced an involuntary reaction of leg shaking along with freezing to the spot. It clearly looked funny, if Jean's mums giggle was anything to go by, but Dave failed to see the joke.

'I fall, I die, probably in a very painful way. Foot slipping = close to falling = funny?'

Nope, the joke was always just out of his grasp.

At the end of each such outing Dave was always thankful to be alive.

"So," he said chearfully, "Where to next?"

Happy New Year

Dave, Jean and her mum and dad sat round the little square table playing "Ba Shi Fan" (80 points). It is one of the greatest card games in the world. It puzzled Dave greatly how it had not made it to England, EVERYONE in China seemed to know how to play it (and that's ALOT of people). Of cause Poker had not made it to China. The Chinese knew the word "Poker", but had took it to mean "Card Game". Hence "Da Poker" meant "Play a card game". Basically it's a game for four people, not more than four, not less. That slightly limits it, which is it's only drawback. That and it requires two packs of cards, complete with jokers. The four people split into two teams and play against each other, working together. It's very intense.

Suddenly some fireworks went off outside, interupting the flow of play. Dave was slightly annoyed. His annoyance turned to disbelieve when Jean's mum pulled out a firework and he suddenly realised what they were for.

'It's New Year's Eve? Midnight?'

How he could have completely forgotten about it was beyond him. Time kind of ceased to have meaning when he was in China. Everyday was Saturday. No work, no responsiblity. But still, he had just missed the Big Moment.

Jean's mum wanted Dave to hold the firework while she set it alight.

'Erm... no....'

When it seemed obvious that Dave didn't want this honour (some things don't require words), she took it to the window and held it herself. Thankfully it wasn't a rocket. It shot out several balls of fire, each one accompanied by a little scared-child-scream from Jean.

It was nice. "Happy NEW YEAR!" said Dave finally.

Now, "Da Pai!" (play cards).

They had a good night.

San Ming Zoo

Dave felt great, but that was no surprise. How can anyone not feel great when they're on a trip to the zoo!

A short walk across town and up a hill and there it was. 'YAY!'

First came the birds. It reminded him very much of back home, Sefton Park, it was almost an identical layout. Bird. Bird. Bird. Bird. Bird. Leopard. Leopard? Wow! Ok, maybe not exactly the same as back home. That's a leopard, that's a real leopard. There were several of them.

"Rrrrr."

One said to Dave, in a polite I-want-to-tear-you-limb-from-limb manner.

"Rah!" shouted Jean happily back at him.

"I bet you wouldn't say that if the cage wasn't there."

Suddenly, as Dave stood staring at these magnificant cats, it appeared that someone else was staring at a very different animal. Him.

"She asked if her daughter can have her picture with you," Jean translated.

"Erm... yeah.. sure.."

This was a zoo. People took pictures of all the strange animals. Why should Dave be any different? So he stood by the little girl and let a complete stranger take a picture. A complete stranger. Dave had never felt more like a monkey. Felt good.

After the leopards and before the lions, tigers and monkeys came the camel. Big, smelly, hairy and ugly, it reminded Dave a little of himself. Jean picked up some food from the pile in front of him and fed him. He ate it up greedily.

Dave picked up some food and also tried to feed him. Nothing. Completely ignored.

Jean took the food from Dave and then the camel took it from her and ate it up greedily.

"I don't think he likes you," she laughed.

Jean's mum picked up some food and again the camel ate it up greedily.

Dave, determined, tried again. The camel ignored him. Dave kept trying. Finally the camel took it. Result. 2 seconds later the camel spat it straight back out, then he turned to Jean and ate the food she offered greedily.

"AH!"

Dave tried again, everyone was laughing, a small crowd had gathered, come see the strange looking monkey try to feed the racist camel. Again the camel took the food and spat it straight back out. Dave sighed, lowered his head and walked away defeated.

"Where are the monkeys, they'll like me." And they did.

Christmas 2005

"Ow" said Dave.

"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow..."

Dave did not feel too great. Dave didn't even feel slightly great. Dave felt like his head had been stuck in a blender. He couldn't breathe all that well, he felt incredibly tired and weak and why wouldn't the room stop spinning?

He was lying alone in a hotel in Beijing. He had successfully managed to steal his wife's cold and this was his reward. The 24hr trip to get here without any kind of sleep had not helped much.

'Hmm... ' he thought, 'Merry Christmas Dave. Merry... ow.'

Yes. Today was the 25th of December 2005. Christmas had not really made it to China in any kind of big way and Dave had clearly not brought it with him.

"Argh."

Alone, in the dark, Dave lay there and thought back to last week. He remembered meeting up with his friends and family, exchanging presents and goodwill and it brought a smile to his face. That was Christmas. Not this.

The 25th is a fairly meaningless date and december a pretty meaningless month. Christmas is whenever and wherever.

But still, Dave couldn't help wanting this Christmas to be a little better. He didn't need any presents or trees or shiny things. He just wanted his head back in one piece.

'Oh well, better luck next year.'