Saturday, December 17, 2005

Memories...

Dave stood in the room that used to be his. It looked like a bomb had hit it. Bits of old toys lied scattered everywhere, each with it's own unique link to his past. Memories flooded over him from every direction.

He had shared this 3m x 2m room with his three brothers. A quick calculation told him they had around 1.5 square meters of floor space each. 'I'm such a geek.'

Over there was where they had played with this toy and over there was where this game had happened. That was where Pea had been flung into the TV and cut his head open. That was where they had painted a picture on the wall. Dave thought back to how big headed he had been about every little thing. He had actually considered himself a great artist, more than a match for his younger sibling. When did he stop drawing anything other than a smiley face?

That's where the computer originally went. That's where they had signed up to online gaming. Ultima, the latest of Ste's fads. That's where they had painted and played with Games Workshop's figurines. Ste had spent so much time and money on those little things and when he was finally getting into it, all his friends where on there way out. Shame. That's where Alan had wrapped himself up in his blanket and parked himself in front of the TV. Heaven forbid anyone else might like a go on that games console. Is that where Alan had sat on that penknife? He really wasn't sure.

That's where they had cut up old boxes and created wonderful toys. Who else could claim to have made a fully 3D transformer which actually transformed out of a cereal packet and celotape? That Soundwave was cool. Or the fortresses with secret compartments and hidden extras.

That was where Dave had completed game after game after game on console after console. That was where Fire had become an unstoppable gaming champion. Burnt away anything and everything that had stood in his path.

That was where Ste had learnt to eat football, sleep football, drink coca cola. Such a sad day for all involved.

This had been his room. This had been his home. His 1.5 square meters. His life. Pea was leaving. The last of the Natsios children had finally flew away from the nest. The room would finally be reclaimed by Dave's mum and dad after 28 years. They had done a remarkable job raising 5 children in a 2 bedroom terraced house. It must not have been easy. The memory of the room would fade into just that, a memory. He took one final look at a lifetimes supply of junk. Everything reminded him of something. Everything.

Except this weird bit of black plastic. Where the hell had that come from? It didn't really look like anything.

Oh well, almost everything.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Judgement Day

Dave stood next to the man playing the bagpipes under a giant sparkly Christmas tree and waited. Aline had sounded upset in her text. Apparently "they" all were upset with Dave as of late. He had "changed".

When Aline arrived on the sceen, she said the words that can drive fear and dread into even the bravest of men.

"Let's go shopping, I've just got a couple more people to buy things for."

(NOTE: Yes Macca, I know what your getting from Aline. All I can say is "ouch, what did you do?")

The shopping came and went and the pair of them now sat together in McDonalds with a minty McFlurry each. What better time to finally have the deep conversation that had been on Aline's mind for clearly 2 years now. This was it, Judgement Day.

The conversation was surprisingly short and painless. Aline appologised almost as much as she accused and not much was said other than, "We should really meet up more often."

Dave agreed whole heartedly and all was right in the world once more. Judgement Day had passed and killer robots had not destroyed humanity, what more could anyone want. It truely was a Merry Christmas. Of cause, it meant Dave's speach went mostly unsaid...

"To Whom it may Concern (i.e All of "them")

I am fully aware that I have not spent as much time with all my old friends as I did in the good old days. Unfortantly, this is kind of the way of life and not entirely my fault.
Obviously I could never spend as much time with the people I used to live with as I used to, for the simple reason that we no longer live together. Nor do we go to school together, nor Uni together, nor work together. Straight away that kinda narrows down a whole heap of time.
I am in university most days from 9 till 5, I am then in work monday to thursday 5 to 9. Waking up early the next day leaves me completely not in the mood to do anything after work. That narrows my available time down to friday night and the weekend. This time last year I WAS working 7 days a week.
Believe it or not i have to eat, this usually requires shopping. I have to do housework. I have to go to Church every Sunday. I have to mark homeworks. My time quickly starts to fade away.
As for, "You never call". I've never been much of a phone person, quite often find it hard to understand people on the phone, not surprising when u consider something daft like 80% of communication is through body language. Besides which, a phone works both ways, if we haven't spoken on the phone it's not completely down to me right?
On top of which I AM married. I am not ashamed of the fact that Jean is the center of my universe now. Nor do I take back or regret my recent comment that Jean is my best friend. Maybe I'm strange, but I kinda grew up thinking that's how things were suppose to be when you got married.

Comming from Aline, who when asked, "Who is your best friend?" replied, "Everyone.", I'm surprised she made such a fuss over that best friend thing at all.

Have I changed? Yes. Yes I have. I think we all have. I think most people in the world are different now than how they were 3 years ago. Especially people like Beth (aged 3) and Anya (aged 5 months). I've become much more aware of the world around me. I guess in some ways I've matured. But if you stick some loud music on and hand me a drink I'll probably still dance 'better' than everyone else put together, sing like an idiot and have a great time doing it.
Do I still think certain pointless things are cute, funny or cool? Yes, but I just don't want SO many of them lying round in my house. Am I still Dave Caveman, international sex symbol, Man of Love, baby? Some things will never change.

I hope whoever reads this has a great day. I really am a happy chappy, even if parts of that sounded less than chappy standards. I enjoy my life and I'm usually proud of it. I do miss some of the times we had together and i do like spending time with everyone.

See you all soon."

'Oh well,' Dave thought to himself, 'This is very nice Minty McFlurry."

"Shall we go home?"

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Rules

"If I make rules for myself, I can't break them. If I break them all the time, they're not rules. My spirit has value. I'm not willing to sell my spirit."
- L.J 2005

Dave heard these words and thought about the rules he had made for himself over the years. If a man says he will do one thing and then turns round and does the other, what kind of man is he? Luckily, Dave was a good man, he always did what he set out to do...

1. Thou shall wake up at 7am every morning when your wife has too...
...Or stay in bed till around 9:30.

2. Thou shall get up and do some house work before going to Uni...
...Or lie there and stare at the ceiling.

3. Thou shall do an increasing number of sit ups every day...
...Or spend an increasing amount of time sitting down.

4. Thou shall go swimming every day...
...for the first week of Uni, then forget about it.

5. Thou shall learn to speak Chinese...
...one day.

6. Thou shall study and work on your PhD for at least 6 hours a day...
... which includes an hour of email checking, 2 hours of deciding what to do and 3 hours of surfing the web.

7. Thou shall read more books...
...when you have time.

8. Thou shall teach your niece...
...at some point.

9. Thou shall take your wife to see the world...
... next year?

10. Thou shall not waste all day writing a blog...
...half the day is fine though.

Luckily, Dave was a good man, who had always done what he set out to.

Good boy, Dave. Good boy.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Tis the Season

Christmas shopping. A full contact sport which should come with a health warning.

Dave had been given a simple task. "Buy your family some presents, you know them better than I do." He was going it alone. A monday morning and the shops were still packed to breaking point. Heaven help those people brave enough to shop on a Saturday. He didn't have a clue what to buy, lost and frightened in a hurricane of people. 'Argh'.

Suddenly a familar song began to play for the 100th time, but this time it hit Dave right in the face. "Feed the world. Let them know it's Christmas time..."

Where did it all go wrong?

Christmas, the season of good will. Joy. Happiness. At what point did such a wonderfully beautiful dream become so fuelled by greed? It seems Christmas has become nothing more than Presents and Pretty things that Sparkle.

Is that all there is in life to produce good will? Joy? Happiness? Wouldn't it be nice if the company of our friends and family could bring us joy without the need for humourous underwear, fancy socks, rubber chickens and solar powered tourches all wrapped up with a pretty pink bow. Wouldn't it be nice if all the multiple billions of pounds spent on presents, alot of which end up unused, unwanted and bined, could buy a few loafs of bread for some starving children instead?

The song finished. The day dream passed. The real world flooded back. 'Right, Alan, what would Alan want... ooh that looks shiney...'

Friday, November 25, 2005

Writer's block.

Dave sat staring aimlessly at the blank screen in front of him. He had actually tried to be a hard working student, putting in the extra hours on his project, but it had all come to naught. His project required the use of several computer programs. A grand total of zero of these programs wanted to work on this machine. 'Ah pooh.'

Now he needed something else to do. He'd already read todays Garfield strip and dirty pictures wouldn't be the best idea in the middle of the libary with his wife by his side. What else was there?

Faithfully he had turned to his Blog. Good old blog was always there for him when he had time to kill. Only he couldn't think of anything to write. 'Hmmm....'

He could do a 'Mac', slag off his superiors and be removed from civilisation for all eternity.... tempting, but no.

He could write about his week of training. Yes, that was a good idea. His week of training. When he learnt ... stuff. What had he done exactly? 'Hmmm....'

Surely there must be something he had done that was worth writing about... 'What have I done? What have I done?'

'Oh well,' he surrended, 'White is a nice colour, I guess I'll just leave it blank.'

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Remember remember the 5th of November.

Dave was having a blast. He was at his three year old god daughter's birthday party surrounded by all his old friends. Both of them.

He had arrived on time, around 12 noon, and spent the following 5 fun packed hours learning all about 'Dora the Explorer' and 'Laura's Star'. Children's programs, beneath his PhD intellect, though amusing none the less. Finally the host, her father, Dave's good friend Mac put something more mature on.

Totoro, one of the finest movies ever. About a giant fat teddy bear-like creature, who makes trees grow with an umbrella and drives around in a multi-legged cat-bus. Fantastic.

After the 5 hours, his second old friend arrived, completing the set. Five hours late for any normal person, Aline was actually early by her standards, with almost an hour to spare. The 4 of them chatted away together happily, the 3 year old leading the conversation and usually making the most sense. It was good.

Alas, all good things must come to an end, and Dave and Aline were soon driven back to there respective homes. Dave sat down with a sigh.

He had work to mark.

Spending Bombfire night marking a pile of student homework was not in channel 4's top 100 ways to have fun on saturday night. It didn't help that about 50% of them had clearly just duplicated the other 50%. It was soo obvious. Why couldn't they just all hand in one paper with all there names on it? That would save time and trees.

Things however, went from bad to worse.

Having finished his marking, it was time to collect his dear sweet wife from the station. She had spent the day in Manchester with an old friend of her own. She had called 20 minutes ago from her friends phone to say she was on her way and that she couldn't call again because her battery was dead. Fair enough.

An hour later, Dave was still waiting at the station.

'Tum tee tum, stupid trains.'

Another hour later, Dave was being kicked out of the station, "I'm sorry, no more trains are coming tonight."

Where the f*%$ was Jean?

"She must have gone home," he said outloud. Talking to himself outloud was a common sign of stress for Dave, not good. "She must have missed me somehow and gone home."

"But why hasn't she called? She could charge her phone if she's home."

Having missed the last bus he, very calmly and sensibly, ran like a bat out of hell untill his side split open and more.

"Where is she? Maybe she forgot her keys? She could have been locked outside, waiting for me to come home..."

He arrived back in record time. No sign.

He conntacted her friend from Manchester. No news.

Another hour passed. Then another. Still nothing.
He fell to his knees and prayed his heart out.

Then he called the police.

Thats when she walked in. "Are you calling the police?" she asked in an innocent surprised little way.

Women. Can't live with them, can't kill them.

Her train had been cancelled, she had been provided with a coach, but the coach had been a few hours late and very slow. Dave's sanity slowly reformed as he reverted back to his original statement.

'Stupid Trains.'

Jean was home, life was good.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

I won! I WON!

The group came back in after lunch. They were on a creative training day to help them with teaching skills. It was going well.

Having introduced themselves in a round robin manner, they had spent the rest of the day playing games and colouring pictures. Several people thought it was all a stupid waste of time, like being back at nursery again, hardly fitting for a group of 11 PhD students. Dave loved it, it was like being back at nursey again! He didn't know a PhD got so good.

Lunch had also not been seen in the most favorable of lights.

"What is this stuff?" one person had commented on the insides of his sandwich, "I think it's suppose to be beef..."

Yes, they where awful sandwiches to go with the less than fantastic tea and biscuits, but these people seemed to forget the important aspect. They were FREE. As such, Dave helped himself to several platefulls and since he didn't drink tea he cut back to only 3 cups. Yum.

The session had started again and the group gathered to play Bingo. Human Bingo. The rules of Human Bingo are very much the same as the regular kind, only you are given a sheet full of descriptions like "I've never been to an Ice Rink" and then you have to find a person in the group who matches that description. Match all the descriptions in a line and you win a line, match all of them and you win a full house.

It was a tense game, everyone asking everyone else all these strange things, each desperate to win the grand prize. Finally someone shouted "HOUSE!"

...it was Dave. Dave had done it. He'd won first prize. A set of cheap pens!!!! A whole set!!! From black to pink, the complete range!!!

Everyone tried to hide there envy but Dave could feel it burning in there eyes. When the day finally finished, he packed the pens quickly into his bag and made for the door. He had to watch his back.

Luckily, no attempt was made on his life this time and he was left in peace to savor the moment.

"I won! I WON!!!!"

Friday, October 21, 2005

PhD

Dave had sat in front of his computer for hours, bashing away at the various buttons. He was a man on a mission.

He had been given a program to work with that he had never even heard of before. "R". What kind of name was "R"? It could apparently do all kinds of fancy graphs and complex equations. Apparently.

Learning a computer program from scratch, when your supervisor admitted he didn't know how it worked, was not as easy as it sounded.

"Ah ha! I've got it!" Dave announced excitedly to his empty crisp packet.

Finally he was on his way and just a half hour later he had produced The Graph.

It was beautiful. It curled in and out of itself in a somewhat DNA manner, elegant and graceful. It was the result of hours of work and it was perfect in every possible way. Except one.

"Huh, was suppose to be a straight line..."

Back to the drawing board.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Guin Guin

Time is a fickle little thing, sometimes an hour can last an eternity, sometimes two months can go in the blink of an eye.

Dave had mixed emotions about the return to the UK. He missed his family, his friends, his house and most of all the ability to know what the heck people round him were saying. He was looking forward to starting his PhD and getting on with life. He was happy to go back.

Yet he was most certainly not happy to leave. Jean's parents had took him in and made him their own. He felt very much part of the family. It was strange how close you can feel to people you can't talk to. Verbal comunication had been slow at the best of times, but that lacked importance. He would miss them.

Dave and Jean boarded the train and waved goodbye.

"Guin, guin," said Dave, doing remarkably well to keep his cool, "Guin!"

Ma ma had told him to say 'guin'. It was almost the equivalent of 'Bog off', designed to keep things light and prevent tears.

It didn't go according to plan. The inevitable emotional outbursts from both Jean and her Ma ma came right on cue. Dave did his best to not look too girly himself.

"Guin," he said as the train started to move.

"Guin."

Monday, October 10, 2005

Service with a Smile.

At first glance a Chinese Bar looked very much like the bars back in England. People sat around drinking and talking and listening to the music playing. But first impressions can be wrong.

It all started going strange when Dave ordered his first drink. "I'll have a JD and Coke." Jean translated imediately and received a look of total confusement.

Jean continued talking and the other people round the table joined in, including our guest of honour who pretty much owned the place. The waiter finally surrended and went to fetch like a good little puppy.

"Apparently they don't do whiskey and coke. If you want whiskey your suppose to buy it by the bottle. But they've agreed to make one esspecially for you, only they've never made one before so they're not to sure about it."

Dave's jaw dropped a cm or two.

"By the bottle?"

The drink's arrived and started dissappearing down various throats. Conversation went from one thing Dave didn't understand to another.

"See that guy with that girl over there?" said Jean suddenly, "She's a hooker."

"What? How do you know?"

"Oh, all those girls round there are. The guys have to pay to talk to them. Then the girls get a bonus from the bar if they get the guys to drink certain drinks. After that, they can agree a price and go away together."

Dave's jaw dropped a little further.

"What kind of place is this?!?!?"

The drink had headed south inside Dave and he found himself in need of the restroom. He excused himself and off he went.

The toilet seemed nice. There was a man by the sinks with a towel, he would obviously expect money for drying Dave's hands later. Shame Dave didn't have any money. Oh well, he walked past him and went to the urinal.

Standing there, mid-flow, minding his own business, suddenly a hot towel wrapped around his neck, followed quickly by a pair of hands started to massage.

Dave's jaw hit the floor.

He pushed the hands away and finished up as quick as he could. It was the towel man. He was expecting money? Dave felt more like calling the police than giving spare change.

Returning to his sit, he decided not to drink any more. There was no way he would use the toilet again. He sat there, wondering who on Earth would pay for that?

Just then a rather loud man with a heavy American accent sat at the next table.

'Ah, that's who.'

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Mr No.1

Dave was excited. This was like going to Disneyland, only better.

"So what kind of Pandas will we see?"

"Oh, all kinds, male and female and baby ones and pregnant ones, lots of Pandas," said Jean with a smile. Was she out with her husband or her little child, she wasn't sure.

"Wow. Real Pandas. Cool."

The car pulled in and the small group got out. There it was, on the top of the little hill. Panda Paradise. 'Cool'.

After the short walk, they had arrived. "So, where are they?" Dave said like an impatient three year old.

"Here he is."

'He? hmmm.... How can male, female, baby and pregnant Pandas all be covered by the word 'he'?'

"There's only one? Where are the others?"

Jean spoke quickly with the lady working there. "Apparently they've all been moved somewhere nicer, because the weather is too hot."

"Oh. So there's only one?"

"Yes."

Well, one was still more than none and Dave rushed over to the cage. He was big and fat and hairy and he just lay there and did nothing. He was so like Dave it was scary.

"He's so cute. What's his name?" asked Dave, "Aww, look at his little belly."

Jean once again spoke to the lady working there.

"Apparently his name is 'Panda No. 1'."

"Wow, cool name. Hello Mr No. 1, sorry, I mean Ni Hao, I don't think he'll speak English."

Mr No.1 rolled over and made himself more comfy. Dave could only assume this was a return greeting. He was so cool. A REAL Panda. Cool.

Happy Days.

Friday, October 07, 2005

"Chi, chi!"

"So what are we doing tonight?" Dave asked, sticking to his faithful routine. Jean always seemed to think he knew what was happening when people made plans and thus always forgot to fill him in. 'I sooo wish I knew Chinese'

"Oh, were going to a meal."

Why Dave asked he wasn't sure, 9 times out of 10 the answer was going to a meal. The other 1 time out of 10 it was just a snack. He was currently a stone heavier than previously and gaining.

"Cool."

The meal was enormous, as always, filled with wonderful foods. The conversation, however, flew right over Dave's head.

"What are we talking about?" he asked for the hundreth time.

"Oh nothing," came the familar reply.

"Chi, chi!" came Mama's command. ("Eat, eat!") Dave wondered to himself if maybe he was being fattened up for some sacrificial meal at a latter date. Maybe.

Suddenly all eyes were on him. Mama was pointing to her nose. "Zhe shi sheng ma?"

Oh no, here it was. It was Dave's time to shine. A PhD student surrounded by some of China's rich and famous and he was reduced to telling people he knew "Bi zi" meant "nose". The worst part though, was that he was almost certainly getting them all wrong.

Putting from part to part on his face, Dave said the equivalent of , "Nuse, EE, Air...." 'Ah Crap, I always forget what Mouth is.' Everyone laughed. Since Dave wasn't trying to be funny, this removed the possiblity of laughin WITH him, leaving only AT. Still, at least he was making them happy.

"Zhe shi sheng ma?" said Mama again, putting at her hair. This was her favorite one, and Dave wouldn't dissapoint.

"Mao."

Everyone laughed, 'Mao' meaning 'fur' not 'hair' and thus proving Dave was indeed a Monkey, with fur on his head. The amusing part for Dave was when occasionally some people took it rather seriously and accused Jean of teaching him wrong. Of cause, Dave would have loved to help her out, but when one does not speak the language how can one?

Well, back to the food.

"Hao chi!"

Thursday, October 06, 2005

...My Turn?

Dave clung to his seat for dear life as they twirled round another corner. The roads, bearly wide enough for one car, had traffic going both ways and it got worse. They were driving through country roads, trees and hills blocking any visibilty and the smallest slip up would send them tumbling to an explosive grave in the valleys below.

Suddenly the car stopped.

"Right," said Jean, "It's your turn."

"... My Turn?"

"Yes, your turn. To drive."

'Oh, to drive, oh ok.' Dave had had a total of around 2hrs previous driving experience, which basically meant he now knew how to start a car... almost. This shouldn't be too much of a problem.

Dave sat down, took hold of the wheel, put his seat belt on, stared at the road and began to prayer silently to himself. The instructor said something, of cause not knowing any Chinese dave didn't understand a word of it.

"Just relax," smiled Jean from the backseat, "He'll make sure nothing happens, he has an extra break."

'Just relax. Good advice. Better to die relaxing. Off we go.' The car began to move, then shuddered and stopped again violently.

"What? What did i do?"

The instructor barked out something else, probably , "Oh crap, were all going to die!" Even the car didn't want Dave to drive. He tried again. Finally they were away.

The instructor shouted.

"Jean? What's he saying?" screached Dave, already drenching in a cold sweat.

"Oh, sorry, he said change gear."

"Jean. You REALLY need to translate quicker than that."

"OK, sorry. Your doing fine. Just relax."

'Relax. Gonna die. Relax. Gonna die. Relax....'

Driving is fun.

Friday, September 30, 2005

So when do I say 'I do'?

The Sun was shining and the weather was hot, a sign that God himself was blessing this union. Or it could have just been because they were in China and almost every day was sunny and scorching.

Dave and Jean, looking smart and beautiful respectively, stood outside to greet the never ending masses of people here for their Big Day, the majority of whom had no idea who they were and quite often walked straight past them to the parents of the bride.

'Who's big day is this again?'

When the ceremony began there could be no doubt. Fireworks announced the entrance of the happy couple and all eyes, near 800, were on them. They walked together, side by side, to the center of the room, a lady speaking constantly in Chinese. Dave didn't have a clue what she was saying, it didn't really matter.

The exchanging of the rings came rather suddenly then. So suddenly that they still hadn't fished them out and had to do so rather hurriedly. Jean offered Dave her hand on which he would place the ring, the "One Ring to Rule Dave".

"Jean," Dave whispered, "Isn't that the wrong hand?"

Realising the mistake a moment later, Jean quickly put forward her other left hand. It's for times like this that it pays to rehearse. Still, the main ceremony was more of a huge meal and Dave, being a stone heavier than he was when he arrived in China a month ago, had definately 'rehearsed' the eating part well enough.

The rings had been firmly placed, each had there own, solid white gold symbol of eternal love. A small drink was now given to each of the them. They hugged each other close and drank deeply.

After pouring a champagne fountain and bowing several times, the feast began. The food was magnificent. Unfortantly they never really finished there meal as half way through the toasting began.

Going from table to table the happy couple toasted each of there many many guests who all said something, presumably nice.

With the toasting finished, the meal was over, and the Newly Weds went to the door to say a fond farewell to everyone as they left.

A wonderful day, a wonderful meal, a wonderful wife.

Life is good.

Monday, June 20, 2005

21 down, 3068 to go.

Dave felt all fuzy and warm inside. That was odd, since he was eating ice cream at the time, but it definately felt good.

Sitting in his favorite Chinese restaurant, with his favorite Chinese girl by his side and surrounded by some of his favorite people, how could Dave feel anything else but good.

Very Peachy.

During the meal, a very familar song had broke out on the radio...

"Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you..."

The staff had brought forth a delightful bowl of ice cream complete with sparkling candle and his day just got better and better from there on in.

Hours later, sitting quitely in his working place, awaiting a long tedious trip down to Skelm, he was surprised to hear the tune begin again.

"Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you..."

"You thought we'd forgotten didn't ya?!," laughed Brian, in his ever playful tone.

"This is just a little something from all of us," smiled Sandra as she presented him with a card and a little kiss on the cheek.

'Is that the card or the kiss that's from everyone...?' Dave thought with a little smile.

"And this is just from me and Brian, since your always in our team," added Ann, with a similar card and kiss.

'Wow, a little kiss from Brian, via Ann, what more could anyone ask for.'

Work was quick and painless, Brian dropping Dave outside his pub before most people had arrived.

"I don't really drink anymore," Dave informed his party people as he sipped away at the first of several 'free' vodka-oranges. It was a good night.

The fun spilled on into the following day, with a trip to MacDonalds, the cinema and another all you can eat Chinese. The icing on the cake came in the form of icing, on a cake, with sparklers and yet another edition of

"Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you..."

21 years old. Surely 21 is the PERFECT age. Anything younger being young, anything older being old, but 21 was just right. Added to this everything else was going fantastically well in the life of Dave as well.

A two month holiday in China was fast approaching. Who knew what adventures that may bring?

On his return he would return, with his outstanding wife by his side, to claim the Throne of Statisitics, PhD. Once crowned King, he would have little in the way of worries or concerns and would live happily ever after.

This truely was a golden age.

It's good to be the Dave.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Interview

Dave's heart was pounding. This interview would decide the rest of his life. A PhD in Statistics was up for grabs. A case study for Unilever, the third biggest advertiser in the world. There would be no stopping him after this.

'Just don't mess this up, Dave, stay calm, but not too calm, look interested, excited, no not excited, just keen, not too keen...'

Tick, Tock. It was only 11:30. 3 hrs till the main event.

"Don't worry," smiled Jean, as she picked out some clothes for him,"Just be yourself, it'll be fine."

'Myself. Be myself... oh crap who am I?...'

Tick, Tock. Every second brought it closer. Did he want the clock to speed up or slow down? He wasn't sure, not that it mattered, time passed at it's own pace.

12:00 noon.

Jean forced Dave to sit down and eat something. There was no way her special little monkey would be going out on an empty stomach.

Shoveling the food into his mouth he tried not to think of the task ahead.

1:00pm

'... if I can just get this PhD... no, no I said DON'T think about it, come on Dave, hold it together...'

2:00pm

Giving Jean a small kiss goodbye, he darted from the door and began the last mile. Oh boy, this was it...

2:30pm

"Call him in..." came the muffled voice from behind the door.

The door opened and Dr Cox invited Dave to sit.

'Stay calm, stay cool, don't make any jokes about his name...'

"Right, we just have a few questions, first of all..."

Dave didn't really remember what happened next, he was sitting there, trying his best to answer questions competently, then the questions kinda stopped. At some point they had gone from asking questions, to simply telling him what he would be doing.

"I hope that's all clear?"

"Yes," replied Dave, his head bobbing up and down like a toy dog.

"OK, you'll start on the 1st of September. Have a good holiday."

Dave shook both their hands and left as formally as he could manage.

'I start the 1st of September,' he thought as he strolled home, 'I START THE 1ST OF SEPTEMBER!'

'WHOOOHOOOOOO!!!!'

'Hmmmm...... I wonder if people will start calling me Doc....'

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Zhong Wen

"ni hao, wo jiao dawei," repeated Dave obediently.

This was such a hard book. The hero, Dawei, had just met with the heroine, Xiaoyun, with romance bound to follow. They study together under the watchful gaze of the great Bai Lao Shi. All appears well, but could the introduction of another female, Heilun, supposedly Xiaoyun's friend, be the begining of the end?

OK, so Dawei, Xiaoyun and Heilun were actually all little kids, and the book is a learn yourslf chinese book aimed at three year olds, but that didn't take away from the fact that it was still really difficult. After all, Dave was not used to such complicated subjects. Dave was just your average graduate-with-a-1st-in-mathematics-going-on-to-do-a-statistics-PhD kind of guy. It was just beyond his intellectual level things like, "wo shi Bai lao shi. wo jiao ni men zhong wen. xian zai shang ke." (I am teacher Bai. I teach you chinese. Now the class begins.)

'Urgh, why must languages have to be so messy,' he thought to himself, as he began his next lesson.

"It's wo SHI bai lao SHI, not wo SHI bai lao SHI," announced the ever patient Xiao Lao Jing, Dave's mentor in the challenge ahead, "SHI and SHI, they're different you see."

'Ah, SHI and SHI, yes, of cause, how could I not have seen such an obvious difference. A rookies mistake,' he thought with a blank expression. "Shi?"

"Yes, very good," she said with a beaming smile that just melted his heart all over again.

'OK, that's 50 ish charecters learnt in one little year, very good Dave,' Dave congradualted himself. All his hard work was really paying off and his Zhong Wen was coming along very very well. He had every right to be proud of himself and never missed an opertunity to tell himself so.

'Now only another 5000 ish more and you'll have cracked it.'

Friday, June 03, 2005

Birthday Blues

Dave lay alone in bed. Avoiding such trivial matters as 'What time is it?', 'Why am I still in bed?' and 'Don't I have something more important to be doing?' He let his mind wander to his upcoming birthday. Less than two weeks away, Wednesday 15th June, Dave would become the 21. This was the big one. The major, life changing, spectaular 21st, less than two weeks away.

So why didn't it feel very major? Why didn't it feel important at all?

He thought back over his previous few birthdays. His 20th was fairly uneventful. Having just arrived home from China the day before, he was up early selling the glorious 'Daily Post' on the bike from hell at 7am. Afterwards he spent a quiet evening with family before retiring early to bed with a yawn.

His 19th eluded him for some reason. What on earth did he do? Oh, of cause, his 19th had been Fathers Day, he'd had to share the limelight with his dear old man.

His 17th and 18th were fairly disapointing. On both occasions, having invited a schoolfull of friends, he had been left with a handful of chums, consisting mainly of family. Still, they hadn't been too bad, from what he could remember. Fair to say he had a drink or two those two years.

'What should I do this time on this wonderous, once-in-a-life-time event?' he thought, with a sigh. 'No need to be sarcastic,' he replied.
'Dave, we've spoke about this before, your talking to yourself...' he quickly remindered himself, putting an end to that conversation.

But what would he do? He'd been asked by various people, but not once gave a suitable reply. Surely such an occasion would tradionally involve the consumption of large amounts of alchohol. This was a snag, since Dave had been almost stone cold sober for a year now and in truth did not miss the hazy fog of the druken state, nor the hideous after taste of the hangover. But how could one avoid such a thing, if surrounded by friends eagar to buy the birthday boy a drink? It was actually alot harder than it sounded.

What did he want to do? What would be his ideal birthday? He didn't know, he really didn't know, but he was fairly confident it would involve cake. Yes, an ideal birthday must have cake. Presents would also be nice, esspecially money at this Penny-Saving era of his life. Topped of with the right mixture of close friends and family, with the cherry on top in the form of his beautifully perfect Little Miss Luo. That sounded nice, he thought as a smile began to creep back onto his face. Really nice, as his almost never absent grin returned to it's rightful place.

Suddenly he was struck by a much more important issue he had forgoten.

'I haven't had breakfast yet!'

Rising, he set off to conquer this new challenge.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Work

"Hi, sorry to bother you, I'm just calling from the Echo..." said Dave for the 100th time that day as yet another random face prepared to slam a door in his face, "Do you read the Echo at all?"

The lady stared at him blankly. "Do you know what happened the last time?"

'Oh dear,' Dave thought to himself, 'Here we go again.' He mentally turned off and switched on the autopilot which would nod, try to look polite and occasionally say things like, "That should not of happened", "Terrible" and "We have new people delivering now".

What was so difficult about delivering a paper? It seemed well over 95% of Echo readers used to have it delivered, but after what happened the last time...

The lady was still talking, now her husband had joined in and they had gone to fetch an echo from 17 years ago to prove whatever point they had made. This had gone on too long, Dave had to end it and move on. As politely as he could, he pulled himself away, hurling tonights Echo at them and offers of a free week. Why do so many people seem to think such a simple minded canvesser had any say what so ever as to how the echo runs things. Oh well. Onwards.

Dave gave a loud knock on the next door, waited a moment, and began again as the door creaked open.

"Hi, sorry to bother you, I'm just calling from the Echo. Do you read the Echo at all?"

..."Do you know what happened the last time?"...