Recently Dave heard of a tale involving several people vaguely connected to himself. The exact connection is hazy, friends of friends of friends perhaps. It is a tale of love, family, friendship and crime. It is recorded here since its high levels of excitement and danger may actually get someone to read it.
The true identities of those involved are unknown...
The man stumbled out of bed, awoken by a phone call. Only 2pm, who would call him at such an unsocial hour?
"Hello?" he grumbled.
"WAAAAAAAZZZZZUUUUUUUPPPP!!!!!!!!" came the secret codeword.
"WAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!" responded the man. It was his brother. The items would be delivered in 15-20 min. The man threw on his clothes and rushed around to prepare for the arrival.
For ease of story telling, we shall refer to the man as Mr Desperate, or simply "D" fo short.
D rushed around his house, moving clothes, bags, bins, food and eventually furniture. A one man whirlwind. 25 min later he was ready and still waiting...
35min.... 45min....
Eventually the car pulled up outside the house and two men got out, his brother, who was Astonishingly Large and shall thus be refered to as "A.L." and a builder friend who will be refered to as Bob (the builder).
From the back of the car the two men removed the first item. A massive TV. It had been handed down from D's parents to A.L. and now from A.L. to D. It would replace the ancient little box that had haunted D's home for the past millennia (ish).
Having dumped the "new" TV, the new duo disappeared, only to return once more with the second hand-me-down. A beautiful Chinese style cabinet. It too had originally belonged to D's parents and had been in the family for nearly 15(!) years. It had finally come to D.
The Chinese cabinet would replace a hiddeous old wardrobe that had recently been described by guests as "The Coffin".
Before the duo made their final departure, D asked if either of them would like to take the ancient TV or the Coffin with them. After some pushing by D, Bob finally accepted the old TV, but no one would go near the Coffin.
Alone once more, D quickly got to arranging his new room. His wife, Mrs ... erm... Jewel?, "J", was out and had no idea the new furniture had arrived. The last J had heard was vague talk months ago. J would come home, see the new look and aw in its glory. J had been a bit down of late and needed something to pick her up. If, however, she came home to find the house in its current mess, that would not go down so well, with or without the new additions. D had just a few hours to make it happen.
2 hours later the room was a thing of beauty. Everything was in place, tidy, neat, shining and ready for J's return.
... well... almost everything...
The Coffin no longer had any place to go. It stood more grotesque than ever smack bang in the middle of the floor.
'Hmm...' thought D, 'what to do...?'
He had two options:
1. Find someone crazy enough to want the thing, who would have to live fairly close as D had no way of transporting the thing other than by hand.
2. Dump it in a local skip. The area was always full of skips, shouldn't be a problem. He would, however, need someone crazy to help him get it there, the Coffin was far too large for D to move it alone.
And so he called up Mr Krazy, "K".
K came round at the drop of a hat, took one look at the Coffin and said, "Hell no." Krazy with a capital K and still no interest.
"OK then," said D, "Help me take it to the skip."
And so the DK crew carried the Coffin to the nearest skip... several streets away... with K complaining every step of the way and looking like he might snap in half at any moment.
"What's up Krazy?" asked D, "I thought you did weights all the time."
"...argh.."
(Translation: It's true I used to do weights, and I was very strong, paricularly for my small size. However, I since decided that the Emo ish look is cool, and to achieve this near dead look I regularly starve myself.)
Finally the DK crew arrived with the Coffin at the skip... which was full... they decided that leaving it next to the skip would have to suffice. At which point an offical looking gentleman appeared and told them otherwise. "You can't leave that there."
"Do you know any other skips nearby?" Asked D.
"Used to be one around the corner, you might want to check first."
So D and K, without Coffin, went in search of the other skip. It too was full. And K had decided beyond all doubt he had had enough. He went home, leaving D with the moral dilema of what to do about the Coffin.
D thought about his new wonderful layout. He thought about J's face on seeing it. He thought about how horrible the Coffin was, and how much effort would now be required to move it again.
And he just walked away.
D would never know what happened to the Coffin. But he would not need to wait long to see J's reaction.
"Oh.. they came... that nice..."
