1998

More SATS? How often did they do these things?

This time around Dave was clued in, he knew the score. The maximum result on the standard tests would be a 7. Additional tests would then be provided to try to achieve an 8. You needed to get a 7 on the normal tests then pass the extra to get the 8. Sorted.

Maths... do u really need to ask? It was a shame it only went up to 8.
Science... 7 ... ish... probably... maybe 8
English.

English. The English SATS results began Dave's life long hatred of Shakesphere. Dave passed the additional test, he answered well enough to get an 8. And on the standard tests he achieved the 7... except for the Shakespeare part.

It isn't even English!!!! Grrr!!!!

Due to the poor results in Shakespeare, Dave failed to achieve the 7 required to get his 8, and thus ended up with a lowly 6. Two grades lost because Shakespeare can't write properly. Darn.

And, since the SATS mattered to LC, the results saw Dave banished from the top set for English. He was dropped down to set 2, where he would live out the remaining College years.

In terms of computer games, Dave was getting too old to spend all day playing games. He was 14 now, it just didn't thrill him like it used to. It was time to grow up, study harder, experiment with alchohol, meet girls and...

... hold on... OH MY GOD!!!!

ZELDA IN 3D?!?!?!?!

HOLY SH*T!!! Ocarina of Time was FANTASTIC!!

Fudge it, plenty of time to get alcohol poisoning later. Bring on Zelda.

1997

Out of all the many, many certificates Dave achieved over his life to date, this year gave him his all time favorite.

Dave, along with the rest of the top Maths set for his year and the year below, had been entered into the Mathematical Junior Olympiad, a national maths contest for kicks and giggles. Not surprisingly, he did well, recieved a Gold Certificate, got entered into the next round and obtained a bronze medal.

But that was of little importance.

The special certificate was one that simply stated Dave was "Best in School 1997." It didn't say at what. Just Best. In general. Nice.

97 also saw Dave turn to the terrible 13. He had offically been declared a "teenager" and everyone knew teenagers were no good low-life to be feared and avoided.

It was a sad time.

Though on the plus side, Nintendo brought out a new console, the glorious N64.

Mario in 3D!!

1996

For a computer game geek there was noticably one thing missing for Dave.

A computer.

Being in Liverpool College made this fact painfully obvious. Not having a computer was simply not done. It was unacceptable behaviour.

And so after several weeks/months of nagging, Dave finally became a PC. Afterall, it would help him with his school work... right...?

Eskimo Bob, University College, downloadable music, TV and films, newgrounds, Ultima Online....

The internet is a lovely place to live.

"... school... work...? ... what's that... ?"

1995

The start of a new era.

Under the advice of Mrs Taylor, Dave had applied for a scholarship at the prestigious Liverpool College, had passed the test and been accepted.

Dave had been fearful of actually accepting the offer, however. He would know no one and be generally surrounded by people with a very different up bringing and far more money. Although the kids arround him thus far had not been great, it was a case of "better the devil you know." Dave's parents were proud of him just passing and more or less left the final decision up to him.

Then Alan stepped in.

He took Dave to one side, and said, without a trace of humour, "Don't be stupid. Don't waste this chance. Don't end up like me."

And so Dave's life at LC began. He knew no one and had zero social skills at making friends. For the first few weeks/months he just sat quietly in a corner by himself.

The first thing he learnt at LC was the importance of his SAT results. The school used them as the sole decider as to which "set" a child was placed into, and generally only those in the top sets would recieve a decent education. Having 5's gave Dave a ticket to the top set in all subjects.

Having a 6 was apparently unheard of. The teachers were impressed. Several of the kids seemed jealous, almost to the point of anger in one or two cases.

"You must have sat an extra test! You can't get a 6 on the normal test," he was informed in an accusing tone. In all honesty, Dave had no idea if that was true or not, and really hadn't cared. This seemed to be a rather annoying response though.

Eventually, Dave did start making friends. The main one being a little boy named Macca and his sidekick Skish. The trio spent most of their school time together, communicating mostly in an endless stream of popular quotes flawlessly joined together to discuss comics, games, TV and films almost exclusively.

"I miss you so much it hurts sometimes."

1994

Earle JMI didn't make a big deal out of SATS. In fact, they made so small a deal, that Dave was actually off with a cold that day and had not realised he'd missed anything. When he got back, he was sent to a small room by himself to do the little test he missed.

His results meant absolutely nothing to him. 5 for English, 5 for Science, 6 for Maths. Seriously, whats that out of? Is that good? Awful? He drew a blank, but then if the teachers didn't care it was nothing to worry about.

More importantly, the Super Gameboy had arrived. Having never had a Gameboy, mainly due to the fact that he was always at home playing on the TV, the Super Gameboy gave the best of both worlds, the Gameboy on the TV! And so Dave was opened up to a whole world of new games.

More Zelda. Whoo!

1993

This year was somewhat of a blank to Dave.

Perhaps it was of little real importance or interest... or perhaps it was to do with the scar he still carried on his forehead... hard to say...

The family home was being fixed up so the crew had moved into a new place for a little while. A flithly little place, until Dave's mum got there, after which you could eat off the floor and Alan often did.

Anywho, one day, while lying in bed, Pea decided it would be fun to hit Dave over the head with a plate. The details are somewhat sketchy, but Dave succesfully dodged the attack 2 or 3 times and then was not so lucky.

Ouch.

1992

The N.E.S, poor little thing, had held it's own against a computer twice its size, sexier and more reliable for 2 years now and was still going strong, a sign of the genius that is Nintendo. However, all good geniuses know when it's time to move on and hence a child was born.

The Super N.E.S. (S.N.E.S.)

All the big boys were back and badder than ever, Mario with his new friend Yoshi, Mega Man all X'ed up with ultra cool Zero and Zelda with the ultimate RPG to date, A Link to the Past. And lets not forget the birth of the finest racing car series of all time, Mario Kart.

In his school life things had also changed for Dave. He had finally made a friend who was nicer than the staff. In truth, Dave's friends had often been few and far between. His family not included, his friends to date could be counted on one hand. Kids were often not fond of the overweight computer game geek, and his newly found need for glasses probably didn't add to his "cool factor." That said, an overweight computer game geek with a pretty darn high IQ was often not fond of a bunch of street kids growing up in the heart of Toxteth, so the feeling was often mutual.

And then Ahmad arrived. A friendship that would last for many years to come.

1991

Big changes were happening in Dave's little world. It was time to move away from the school he had spent his early years in to a place far far away. Nearly a whole two streets away in fact! Yup, it was time to move to Earle Road Juniors, later known as Earle JMI after it merged with his old infants, possibly making the move rather less significant.

Earle JMI had some of the best teachers ever, and Dave generally felt closer to them than most of the students. Mr Franklin and his fantastic story telling, Mrs Taylor and her entusiasm, Miss Evans, Mr Rolf, Miss Dale... the list goes on.

At home things were changing rather drastically too. Dave's clan purchased a Mega Drive and were introduced to the world of 16-bit and a blue hedgehog in red snickers that runs faster than the speed of sound. Whatever they were smoking when they came up with that idea, it proves drugs might not always be that bad.

1990

With just 10 years to go before the world would end, it was time to stop worrying and start living, which could only mean one thing.

It was time to buy the Wii's Great Great Grandfather, the only console named after a prehistoric monster, the one and only

N.E.S.

The N.E.S was the ultimate in gaming, and kept children busy like no other machine before or since. This was largely due to the design which made it hit or miss as to whether or not a game would load, and therefore often took over an hour just to switch it on.

The N.E.S had everything. Storylines, levels, action, puzzles, passwords, cheats and, of cause,

Mario, Mega Man and Zelda.

Three of the all time greatest series in gaming history, and which owe all their success to the N.E.S.

Dave was hooked.

1989

Game consoles had been around for a few years now, but the idea was still relatively new. In Dave's dad's opinion, they were a rather useless waste of money that children had done perfectly fine without for several million years. This was, of cause, back in the days before his addiction to technology, gadgits and giant TVs.

Dave's mum, however, saw items that could make her beloved children happy, and possibly busy, and therefore a bargain. And so it was, that Dave and family entered the new age with the state of the art...

Atari 2600.

Or at least, it was state of the art when originally released in 1977.

Sure, the graphics weren't great (or good(or OK)) and the levels were rather limited (usually one single scene), but by George it had some great games. Like a guy riding a chicken battling an army of buzzards.

Fantastic.

1988

It was time for Dave to spread his wings. See the world. Learn about new cultures and traditions.

Yup, it was time to go to nursery.

After spending the day expanding his horrizons and colouring in, he would go home to share his knowledge of the world with his lil bro.

"No, no, no, its wight weg, weft weg, wight, weft, wight, weft, then WIGHT."

1987

This year was somewhat of a blank to Dave.

Perhaps it was of little real importance or interest... or perhaps it was to do with the scar he still carried on the side of his head... hard to say...

Apparently, so the story goes, he had been standing on an upturned bucket pretending to be Mumra when he got a little too carried away, fell off and required fairly immediate medical care.

But then, only Alan really saw it happen...

1986

Things were pretty sweet for Dave. He was finally getting the hang of walking and being the youngest child he was generally spoilt rotten. Unfortunately, his mum started getting fatter and hence less respondent to his requirements.

Thankfully, at the start of April, this problem corrected itself quite suddenly and his mum returned to normal overnight. Coincedently, however, another difficulty arose at exactly the same time. Dave was apparently no longer the youngest, as he now mysteriously had a younger brother, Pea.

Oh well, such trivial matters did not hold Dave's attention long, as the film he had waited for all his life was finally released. Transformers The Movie.

Dave cried like a baby when Optimus died. Pea did the same.

Perhaps they could get along after all.

1985

Rocky was beatin on russians, Marty was heading back to the future, Chunk was doing the "Truffle Shuffle", Rambo was going on about first blood again and Dave was figuring out what this walking business was all about.

Boy its harder than it looks. Left leg, right leg, left, right, left, left.. thud. Luckily Dave was alot lighter and closer to the floor back then..

25 to 25.

In 25 days the one and only David J Natsios would turn 25. The big quarter of a centuary landmark. In addition, it would likely be around that time in which Dave would finally move away from his home town of Liverpool. The end of an era, the start of a new chapter.

And so, in typical sitcom style, it was time for a recap episode. Here's how Dave got from A to B:

1984

June 15th, the child was born to a family of 2 bros (Alan, 7 and Ste, 1) and a sis (Andrea, 4), living snug in a 2-bed terrace. A firm believer of "start as you mean to go on," Dave's first year was spent mostly in bed.

Although 1984 was popular for many reasons, and even has books and films named after it, its most noticable achievement was the creation of the hit TV series "Transformers." Dave quickly became a fan.

The Wolfy Ram

A new toy has hit the internet. It's called Wolfram.

It looks like a search engine, though not a very sexy one. More like one that isn't quite finished yet. But then, in fairness, thats probably because it isn't.

But then looks can be decieving, as this Ram in Wolf's clothing reveals, because it's actually not your typical search engine at all. Instead of spitting out a few million websites, it just tries to answer your question itself.

For example, search for a word like "love" and it will give u the various meanings and synonyms sych as "eff".

Search for a name like "David"and it will let you know that around 3.1 million people called David are alive today, the 5th most common name, and most of them are around 50 years old (10 years younger than the average "Jean").

Search for a date such as a birthday, "15 June 1984", and you'll be told it was a Friday, 9103 days ago, with 17 hours of daylight in Liverpool.

It's feature which will no doubt see it used most often though is it's ability to do kids maths homework. For example, type in "7x+3x^2+sin(x)cos(x)=1" and it will let you know that x = -2.4 or 0.12.

Neat.

Alarming

As a general rule, a global recesion is not the best time to look for employment. Worst still, a job in a finance related area is not the best idea when its all the finance sectors fault, redudancies occur daily and "banker" has become another word for "anti-christ". But then, Dave had always liked to live dangerously... this one time he even got away with claiming 79p for a pack of Hobnobs on a University expenses form... shh... keep it quiet...

Having set his heart on an Actuarial position, the endless stream of applications began. Unfortunately, the replies were few and far between. He had thus far secured an interview with a total of 1 company down in London and that was over a month ago with no word from them since.

All Dave could do was wait... watch TV... eat ice cream... play games... and wait...

Finally the phone call came. "I have good news..." 2nd interview. Result.

And so he set off to London for round two.

The interview started off ok, they briefed him on the company layout asked him standard questions and recieved standard replies. In fact, Dave had pre-recorded all of these answers and just pressed play on his tape recorder.

Then things went a little off the norm. The fire alarm started.

"... erm... do we have to leave..?"

"...yes..."

The building was evacuated. The conversation became a little less formal...

"So, your from Liverpool, which side of the football do you support?"

"I don't really watch it much to be honest."

"Oh. You just failed the interview."

20 min later they returned to the interview room and the formalities reappeared as if by magic.

"Tell me how you would price an insurance policy against a Terrorist attack?"

'I have no idea,' thought Dave.

"...."

"...."

".... I have no idea..." said Dave.

The interview finished shortly afterwards. The guy, clearly feeling sorry for Dave having wasted his time and money getting down to London just to crash and burn offered to try and see if the company would repay the expenses. They didn't.

Still it wasn't all bad, on the train ride back to Liverpool, Dave found the following in the Virgin trains magazine:

"FREE PUZZLE. Cut out'n'keep! Month by month collect all 5,000 pieces!"

'Cool,' thought Dave, 'In 416 years I'll have the whole jigsaw puzzle!'

A week later Dave recieved another phone call:

"Good news! The next part of the jigsaw puzzle is available! Also, the company said they're going to offer you the job, they're just working out the details."

Nice.

So for anyone still trying to find a job in these troubled times, there is hope. Just remember, its not important how you answer the questions, you just need to make yourself memorable...

... by setting fire to the building.

The Coffin.

Recently Dave heard of a tale involving several people vaguely connected to himself. The exact connection is hazy, friends of friends of friends perhaps. It is a tale of love, family, friendship and crime. It is recorded here since its high levels of excitement and danger may actually get someone to read it.

The true identities of those involved are unknown...

The man stumbled out of bed, awoken by a phone call. Only 2pm, who would call him at such an unsocial hour?

"Hello?" he grumbled.

"WAAAAAAAZZZZZUUUUUUUPPPP!!!!!!!!" came the secret codeword.

"WAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!" responded the man. It was his brother. The items would be delivered in 15-20 min. The man threw on his clothes and rushed around to prepare for the arrival.

For ease of story telling, we shall refer to the man as Mr Desperate, or simply "D" fo short.

D rushed around his house, moving clothes, bags, bins, food and eventually furniture. A one man whirlwind. 25 min later he was ready and still waiting...

35min.... 45min....

Eventually the car pulled up outside the house and two men got out, his brother, who was Astonishingly Large and shall thus be refered to as "A.L." and a builder friend who will be refered to as Bob (the builder).

From the back of the car the two men removed the first item. A massive TV. It had been handed down from D's parents to A.L. and now from A.L. to D. It would replace the ancient little box that had haunted D's home for the past millennia (ish).

Having dumped the "new" TV, the new duo disappeared, only to return once more with the second hand-me-down. A beautiful Chinese style cabinet. It too had originally belonged to D's parents and had been in the family for nearly 15(!) years. It had finally come to D.

The Chinese cabinet would replace a hiddeous old wardrobe that had recently been described by guests as "The Coffin".

Before the duo made their final departure, D asked if either of them would like to take the ancient TV or the Coffin with them. After some pushing by D, Bob finally accepted the old TV, but no one would go near the Coffin.

Alone once more, D quickly got to arranging his new room. His wife, Mrs ... erm... Jewel?, "J", was out and had no idea the new furniture had arrived. The last J had heard was vague talk months ago. J would come home, see the new look and aw in its glory. J had been a bit down of late and needed something to pick her up. If, however, she came home to find the house in its current mess, that would not go down so well, with or without the new additions. D had just a few hours to make it happen.

2 hours later the room was a thing of beauty. Everything was in place, tidy, neat, shining and ready for J's return.

... well... almost everything...

The Coffin no longer had any place to go. It stood more grotesque than ever smack bang in the middle of the floor.

'Hmm...' thought D, 'what to do...?'

He had two options:

1. Find someone crazy enough to want the thing, who would have to live fairly close as D had no way of transporting the thing other than by hand.
2. Dump it in a local skip. The area was always full of skips, shouldn't be a problem. He would, however, need someone crazy to help him get it there, the Coffin was far too large for D to move it alone.

And so he called up Mr Krazy, "K".

K came round at the drop of a hat, took one look at the Coffin and said, "Hell no." Krazy with a capital K and still no interest.

"OK then," said D, "Help me take it to the skip."

And so the DK crew carried the Coffin to the nearest skip... several streets away... with K complaining every step of the way and looking like he might snap in half at any moment.

"What's up Krazy?" asked D, "I thought you did weights all the time."

"...argh.."
(Translation: It's true I used to do weights, and I was very strong, paricularly for my small size. However, I since decided that the Emo ish look is cool, and to achieve this near dead look I regularly starve myself.)

Finally the DK crew arrived with the Coffin at the skip... which was full... they decided that leaving it next to the skip would have to suffice. At which point an offical looking gentleman appeared and told them otherwise. "You can't leave that there."

"Do you know any other skips nearby?" Asked D.

"Used to be one around the corner, you might want to check first."

So D and K, without Coffin, went in search of the other skip. It too was full. And K had decided beyond all doubt he had had enough. He went home, leaving D with the moral dilema of what to do about the Coffin.

D thought about his new wonderful layout. He thought about J's face on seeing it. He thought about how horrible the Coffin was, and how much effort would now be required to move it again.

And he just walked away.

D would never know what happened to the Coffin. But he would not need to wait long to see J's reaction.

"Oh.. they came... that nice..."

Little Ms Driving Test. Practical.

Tuesday, 10th of March. Jean staggered out of bed at the ridiculously early time of 9am. Or at least it seemed ridiculously early to the semi-conscious Dave watching her.

Today she would take her practical driving test. She was a little nervous, but nothing major. Afterall, Dave couldn't laugh at her regardless of the outcome. How many times had Dave failed it? 4?!? Silly, silly boy.

Anywho, 9.30am and off she went. The hour before the test went well.

10.25am. She arrived at Norris Green test centre and sat down in a small little room with chairs lining both sides. The type of horrible little waiting room specially designed to make you fall apart with nerves. Jean kept her cool.

10.33am. Her examiner arrived, nice enough bloke. After checking the documents and passing the customary checks without issue it was time to start driving.

Driving. Check.
Reverse bay park. Check.
Turn in the road. Check.

Jean was nailing with perfection.

... and then it happened...

'My husband is sooo handsome.... I can just picture him... lying in bed at home... playing with his really big... teddy bear....'

While Jean's mind began to wander she almost drove onto the wrong direction of a dual carriage way.

'OH S*%T!!!! WE'RE GOING TO DIE!!!!' thought the examiner calmly as he pointed Jean in the right direction. Examiner took action. Automatic fail. Something Dave knew all too well.

'Damn it!' thought Jean, 'Why does Dave have to be soo damn sexy!?'

'Damn.'

Lent '09.

As far as Dave was aware, Lent began the day after Pancake Tuesday. This was of great concern to Dave, as he had only now, over a week later, decided what he would go without. Had he failed his pledge before it had even begun?

He searched for answers, and came acroos the following in the book of Freddie:

"And said the lord: tuesday surely is the day of pancakes but if thou hasth scheduling problems let there be pancake thursday. And it was good."

'Phew,' thought Dave. He'd have some pancakes tomorrow and start Lent on Friday. The book of Freddie was such a good book. Not quite the book of Dave, but still a pretty decent read.

So, what had Dave decided to give up this time? Chocolates? Sweets? Ney. This year he would try something new.

This year Dave would give up ... drum role... pause for effect.... his beard!

... wait for applause... waiting... acknowledge the tumbleweed... move on...

Yes, this year Dave would shave everyday of Lent. This may seem somewhat common to most folk, but several important reasons had stopped Dave in the past:

1. He was lazy.
2. Really lazy.
3. Standing in front of a miror, cutting his face open with a razor to "look good", just didn't appeal to him.
4. Shaving daily usually gave him a rather nasty rash.

So what had he done to help him overcome these vast obstacles? He had bought himself a new electric razor!!!

This helped in the following ways:

1. It was shiny.
2. It was a gadget.
3. It was quick.
4. It would hopefully not leave him looking like an extra on a zombie movie. Fingers crossed.
5. He had spent money on it. The novelty should at least last a few weeks.

Since 5 was bigger than 4, he was bound to succeed.

Maths is cool.