Jean turned to Dave and said, "The Earth really moved for me."
Dave yawned, took this as a good sign, and went back to sleep.
The next morning, the news reported biggest earthquake in England since 1984.
Gutted.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Thanks
Dave had never been to Exeter before, right down in the south of England, tucked away. He'd never been anywhere in England south of London before. It was a fairly long trip. 6 hours, 3 trains, 2 of them packed to busting point, though luckily he had a seat.
He had been invited to give a talk. He would arrive Sunday, stay the night, talk Monday and head home, another 6 hour-3 train journey. While there he would see the inspiration that was Mark Holland. Dave, Mark and Dave's supervisor would spend the day together, chatting all things stats and chaos.
On arrival, the hotel was but a short walk up a steep hill. St David's Hill to be precise, a lovely name. The place felt somewhat countryside-ish, plenty of greeny and fresh air. The hotel was a converted three storey house, the room following the standard bed, desk, TV, bathroom layout, but with a cute slightly flowery twist. All in all, Dave liked it.
Dave's Supervisor was... less impressed. "It reminds me of my undergraduate days," he commented, in a negative tone.
Exeter University was beautiful. A scattering of University buildings on top of a hill. Bright green nature in every direction. A wonderful 10 minute walk from the hotel to meet Mark.
Dave's Supervisor... less impressed... and somewhat exhusted.
At lunch, the trio went off to find food. Mark was in somewhat of a hurry, needing to see students an hour later. The staff house was being fixed up so the only option was to dine in studentville, the Exeter Guild. The food was decent, the place was comfy, Dave was satisfied.
Needless to say how Dave's Supervisor took it.
The Talk. Dave's talk. Suppose to last 45min, trailed on for the hour. The questions were relevant, the comments useful, it was going well. The talk finished and people came to give feedback.
This was Dave's moment. This is what he had spent two days making slides for and two days travelling. That's almost a week of his life, all came down to this.
Someone approached. "Nice talk". Completely clear of sarcasim! Success!
Dave's Supervisor replied, "Thanks," and the two carried on chatting.
'....'
He had been invited to give a talk. He would arrive Sunday, stay the night, talk Monday and head home, another 6 hour-3 train journey. While there he would see the inspiration that was Mark Holland. Dave, Mark and Dave's supervisor would spend the day together, chatting all things stats and chaos.
On arrival, the hotel was but a short walk up a steep hill. St David's Hill to be precise, a lovely name. The place felt somewhat countryside-ish, plenty of greeny and fresh air. The hotel was a converted three storey house, the room following the standard bed, desk, TV, bathroom layout, but with a cute slightly flowery twist. All in all, Dave liked it.
Dave's Supervisor was... less impressed. "It reminds me of my undergraduate days," he commented, in a negative tone.
Exeter University was beautiful. A scattering of University buildings on top of a hill. Bright green nature in every direction. A wonderful 10 minute walk from the hotel to meet Mark.
Dave's Supervisor... less impressed... and somewhat exhusted.
At lunch, the trio went off to find food. Mark was in somewhat of a hurry, needing to see students an hour later. The staff house was being fixed up so the only option was to dine in studentville, the Exeter Guild. The food was decent, the place was comfy, Dave was satisfied.
Needless to say how Dave's Supervisor took it.
The Talk. Dave's talk. Suppose to last 45min, trailed on for the hour. The questions were relevant, the comments useful, it was going well. The talk finished and people came to give feedback.
This was Dave's moment. This is what he had spent two days making slides for and two days travelling. That's almost a week of his life, all came down to this.
Someone approached. "Nice talk". Completely clear of sarcasim! Success!
Dave's Supervisor replied, "Thanks," and the two carried on chatting.
'....'
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
England Vs China: The rest.
"So what of hospitals, politicians, religion, spirituality...?"
The list of differences between China and England is possibly never ending. Some big, some small and some just difficult to say which is really "better".
England is generally seen as having better hospitals and health services, yet it costs nearly 20 pounds in England just to show a dentist your teeth whilst the same 20 pounds in China could get every tooth fixed up.
Politicians in England are more open, but they've all blurred into each other and no one sees any point in voting. England has freedom of speech but far more terrorists.
England has a much wider array of religions and spiritual beliefs, China allows these beliefs it just doesn't have a strong tradition in them and thus doesn't force them on anyone.
etc etc etc.
The bottom line is the differences don't matter. It's the similarities that count. It's the ability to overcome every obstacle and for each to still acknowledge the other is filled with fellow human beings.
Whatever the faith of the reader, almost everyone can agree that the Chinese and the English all came from the same place. The same individual mother of humanity. The belief that this individual was human or monkey, thousands or millions of years ago doesn’t really make a difference.
If you prick us, do we not bleed? (Side note: Dave carried out a test on 1000 English people and 1000 Chinese people and found out that 100% of each group do in fact bleed.)
One day there won’t be labels, borders or mindless wars.
Then everyone will be a winner.
The list of differences between China and England is possibly never ending. Some big, some small and some just difficult to say which is really "better".
England is generally seen as having better hospitals and health services, yet it costs nearly 20 pounds in England just to show a dentist your teeth whilst the same 20 pounds in China could get every tooth fixed up.
Politicians in England are more open, but they've all blurred into each other and no one sees any point in voting. England has freedom of speech but far more terrorists.
England has a much wider array of religions and spiritual beliefs, China allows these beliefs it just doesn't have a strong tradition in them and thus doesn't force them on anyone.
etc etc etc.
The bottom line is the differences don't matter. It's the similarities that count. It's the ability to overcome every obstacle and for each to still acknowledge the other is filled with fellow human beings.
Whatever the faith of the reader, almost everyone can agree that the Chinese and the English all came from the same place. The same individual mother of humanity. The belief that this individual was human or monkey, thousands or millions of years ago doesn’t really make a difference.
If you prick us, do we not bleed? (Side note: Dave carried out a test on 1000 English people and 1000 Chinese people and found out that 100% of each group do in fact bleed.)
One day there won’t be labels, borders or mindless wars.
Then everyone will be a winner.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
England Vs China: Round 6: Language.
The biggest and most difficult seperation to overcome between England and China is that of language. The English speak English, the Chinese collectively have around 8000 different local dialects, which are generally grouped into 8 real different languages but the majority speak either Cantonese and/or Mandarin. Here the comparsion will be between English and Mandarin.
The observant and logical thinking reader will have noticed this English artical may have some bias. This is possibly unavoidable, but an attempt to be fair will still be made.
The English language has an alphabet of 26 letters. Knowledge of these 26 letters then makes every word readable, even if the meaning is unclear. For example the word "Wiswo", currently meaningless, but most English speaking readers will have pronounced it in a similar manner.
How do you pronounce "爱"？The reader either knows or does not. Even a Chinese individual who knows every other Chinese character except this one (a very poor individual indeed, since everyone should have someone to 爱) cannot know how to pronounce this.
There are over 60,000 Chinese characters, although only around 6,000 are used and known by the majority of educated Chinese speakers. Thats around 230 times more things to learn than in English. Written English clearly has the advantage.
What of spoken?
Chinese is a tonal language. The meaning of each syllable can change depending on the tone. "Ma" and "Ma" mean "horse" and "mother", depending on the tone. This tonal aspect is often of great difficultly for an individual not used to such a language, but it would be a huge bias to announce it inferior. It is simply different.
Mandarin has far less spoken syllables than English. Ignoring the tones it has around 400, including the tones it has around 1000. English has around 12,000 possible ones. So, clearly Mandarin wins on spoken and the round ends in a draw.
Well... no.
Mandarin has around 1000 possible syllables. Yet it has around 6,000 commonly used characters, each representing a syllable, each with a different meaning. This means that, on average, every spoken syllable, even if the tone is flawless, has 6 possible different meanings. Put 3 syllables together and unless familar enough with the language to imediately recognise it's meaning, a mental search of 216 possible combinations needs to be carried out.
Although possibly still being baised, the equaliser is scored.
England 3 - 3 China
The observant and logical thinking reader will have noticed this English artical may have some bias. This is possibly unavoidable, but an attempt to be fair will still be made.
The English language has an alphabet of 26 letters. Knowledge of these 26 letters then makes every word readable, even if the meaning is unclear. For example the word "Wiswo", currently meaningless, but most English speaking readers will have pronounced it in a similar manner.
How do you pronounce "爱"？The reader either knows or does not. Even a Chinese individual who knows every other Chinese character except this one (a very poor individual indeed, since everyone should have someone to 爱) cannot know how to pronounce this.
There are over 60,000 Chinese characters, although only around 6,000 are used and known by the majority of educated Chinese speakers. Thats around 230 times more things to learn than in English. Written English clearly has the advantage.
What of spoken?
Chinese is a tonal language. The meaning of each syllable can change depending on the tone. "Ma" and "Ma" mean "horse" and "mother", depending on the tone. This tonal aspect is often of great difficultly for an individual not used to such a language, but it would be a huge bias to announce it inferior. It is simply different.
Mandarin has far less spoken syllables than English. Ignoring the tones it has around 400, including the tones it has around 1000. English has around 12,000 possible ones. So, clearly Mandarin wins on spoken and the round ends in a draw.
Well... no.
Mandarin has around 1000 possible syllables. Yet it has around 6,000 commonly used characters, each representing a syllable, each with a different meaning. This means that, on average, every spoken syllable, even if the tone is flawless, has 6 possible different meanings. Put 3 syllables together and unless familar enough with the language to imediately recognise it's meaning, a mental search of 216 possible combinations needs to be carried out.
Although possibly still being baised, the equaliser is scored.
England 3 - 3 China
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
England Vs China: Round 5: Smoking.
The cigarette. The only natural predator of the human species left in the wild. The main driving force of human evolution in the world today, picking off the weak willed and the stupid day by day. Unfortunately, it’s method of slow, painful death is often not quick enough to stop the stupidity passing to the next generation.
Smoking in England is more and more being seen for the curse on humanity that it actually is. Warning labels are compulsory, advertising is seriously restricted and smoking in public has been outlawed. Smokers are becoming a minority in England, and the majority of that minority try not to let their dirty habit harm others and are indeed trying, or at least considering, to quit. The others are simply stupid, weak willed or/and rude.
Smoking in China is polite. The truth of smoking is well known and yet somehow, in some very twisted leap of logic, it is polite to pull out a packet of cigarettes and ensure everyone at the table has one. They will not force a non-smoker to smoke, but they may very well offer them several more that evening.
Such a tragic lack of common sense sees the three lions making a come back,
England 2 – 3 China
Smoking in England is more and more being seen for the curse on humanity that it actually is. Warning labels are compulsory, advertising is seriously restricted and smoking in public has been outlawed. Smokers are becoming a minority in England, and the majority of that minority try not to let their dirty habit harm others and are indeed trying, or at least considering, to quit. The others are simply stupid, weak willed or/and rude.
Smoking in China is polite. The truth of smoking is well known and yet somehow, in some very twisted leap of logic, it is polite to pull out a packet of cigarettes and ensure everyone at the table has one. They will not force a non-smoker to smoke, but they may very well offer them several more that evening.
Such a tragic lack of common sense sees the three lions making a come back,
England 2 – 3 China
England Vs China: Round 4: Alcohol.
Alcoholic drinks in England and China do not differ greatly. England has more choice when it comes to cocktails, China has more available in strong spirits and rice wine. Both countries have very similar, and in some cases identical, beers and wines.
The main difference between the two countries is the goal of drinking. The English drink to be drunk. This is not the case of all English drinkers, but certainly true for too large a proportion. They drink as much as they can as quick as they can so that they can escape any responsibilities and be “free”. This freedom often involves urinating in public, being violently sick and just being plain violent. England at night is no place for the sober.
The Chinese drink in groups whilst eating to be social and friendly. That is not to say that the Chinese don’t get drunk, but they usually become “friendly” drunks and the number of sober individuals in the group is often enough to ensure nothing goes too seriously wrong. Generally, the streets of China at night are a much calmer place.
Thus the Dragon sails into the lead and round 4 goes to China.
England 1 – 3 China.
The main difference between the two countries is the goal of drinking. The English drink to be drunk. This is not the case of all English drinkers, but certainly true for too large a proportion. They drink as much as they can as quick as they can so that they can escape any responsibilities and be “free”. This freedom often involves urinating in public, being violently sick and just being plain violent. England at night is no place for the sober.
The Chinese drink in groups whilst eating to be social and friendly. That is not to say that the Chinese don’t get drunk, but they usually become “friendly” drunks and the number of sober individuals in the group is often enough to ensure nothing goes too seriously wrong. Generally, the streets of China at night are a much calmer place.
Thus the Dragon sails into the lead and round 4 goes to China.
England 1 – 3 China.
England Vs China: Round 3: Teenagers.
The streets of England are ruled by fear of teenage hooligans. They lurk on street corners awaiting their next victim. They hurl random insults at everyone and everything and give physical abuse either to those who respond or those who don’t. Despite this, it is still often frowned upon for any adult to strike back, after all, they’re only kids. They go unchecked, undisciplined, unpunished and they make England’s future look cloudy to say the least.
The Chinese in this respect have evolved far beyond their English counterparts. There are no teenagers in China. There are little children, there are adults, there is little or no sign of anything in between. Logic suggests this cannot be the case, but it is clearly what the evidence suggests.
Apparently, so the legend goes, the group of Chinese known as Teenage lurk in the shadows of school grounds during the day and seek the shelter of home where they can study during the night. There may also be small underground hideaways in which they group together, but these have never been found. Indeed, no one has ever seen one of these “Teenage”, it’s always “a friend of a friend” who has seen one.
In comparison, there can be only one winner.
England 1 – 2 China.
The Chinese in this respect have evolved far beyond their English counterparts. There are no teenagers in China. There are little children, there are adults, there is little or no sign of anything in between. Logic suggests this cannot be the case, but it is clearly what the evidence suggests.
Apparently, so the legend goes, the group of Chinese known as Teenage lurk in the shadows of school grounds during the day and seek the shelter of home where they can study during the night. There may also be small underground hideaways in which they group together, but these have never been found. Indeed, no one has ever seen one of these “Teenage”, it’s always “a friend of a friend” who has seen one.
In comparison, there can be only one winner.
England 1 – 2 China.
England Vs China: Round 2: Traffic.
When it comes to traffic, China has a huge advantage: Probably more than half it’s vehicles are bikes or motorbikes. Compare this to England, which has less than one percent. (Side note: 98.2576% of all statistics are made up on the spot.) The per person pollution is greatly reduced and traffic jams occur less frequently. The remaining vehicles are made up mostly of taxis and busses, which are very cheap compared to England, with very few taxi rides costing greater than a pound. On paper, China wins round two hands down and is off to a flying start at two-nil.
However, China’s roads do have one small disadvantage compared to England’s. They lack any noticeable rules.
Undertake, overtake, it’s all the same. Traffic lights? More of a guideline, but shouldn’t be taken too seriously. Priority? Who got there first? Driving into oncoming traffic? Frowned upon, but when you’ve got to go you’ve got to go.
The roads in China are utter chaos, although strangely, seem to have less accidents than in England. Or perhaps they just cover them up quicker. Still, every time one crosses the road it feels like a mammoth achievement, and would be followed immediately by going straight home to sleep, but that would involve crossing back.
Therefore, despite all of the Island’s flaws, round two goes to England.
England 1 – 1 China.
However, China’s roads do have one small disadvantage compared to England’s. They lack any noticeable rules.
Undertake, overtake, it’s all the same. Traffic lights? More of a guideline, but shouldn’t be taken too seriously. Priority? Who got there first? Driving into oncoming traffic? Frowned upon, but when you’ve got to go you’ve got to go.
The roads in China are utter chaos, although strangely, seem to have less accidents than in England. Or perhaps they just cover them up quicker. Still, every time one crosses the road it feels like a mammoth achievement, and would be followed immediately by going straight home to sleep, but that would involve crossing back.
Therefore, despite all of the Island’s flaws, round two goes to England.
England 1 – 1 China.
England Vs China: Round 1: Food
The difference in attitude to eating between England and China was made famously clear in the comical HSBC advert, namely, the English find it rude not to finish their plate whilst the Chinese find it rude not to supply more than enough food for their guest to leave each meal stuffed. The meeting of these two cultures helps explain why England is fat and China is poor.
The type of food on offer in each country is vastly different. The Chinese are among the finest chefs in the world. Taking a single main ingredient such as rice they can produce tables and tables of dishes, complete with starters, main courses and desserts. Multiply this ability over the vast number of ingredients on offer and one has a menu which can take days to read. A typical Chinese market contains all the fruit, veg and meat available in England and then a large variety of others which the average English person will never in their lives know exist.
England, on the other hand, has next to no food that it can call it’s own. Anyone considering a meal in England will think “Italian, French, Greek, … , or Chinese?” and it fails even in imitation to produce.
The final blow comes in with the price. The price of food in England in pounds is pretty much the same as the price of food in China in RMB. With a conversation rate of 1 to 15 China wins round one with little effort.
England 0 – 1 China.
The type of food on offer in each country is vastly different. The Chinese are among the finest chefs in the world. Taking a single main ingredient such as rice they can produce tables and tables of dishes, complete with starters, main courses and desserts. Multiply this ability over the vast number of ingredients on offer and one has a menu which can take days to read. A typical Chinese market contains all the fruit, veg and meat available in England and then a large variety of others which the average English person will never in their lives know exist.
England, on the other hand, has next to no food that it can call it’s own. Anyone considering a meal in England will think “Italian, French, Greek, … , or Chinese?” and it fails even in imitation to produce.
The final blow comes in with the price. The price of food in England in pounds is pretty much the same as the price of food in China in RMB. With a conversation rate of 1 to 15 China wins round one with little effort.
England 0 – 1 China.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Test day
Bruce confirmed the test date and time back on 13th November.
Tuesday 11th December. 8.20am. Norris Green test centre.
The test lasts an hour and he liked an hour before hand for his student to warm up, hence if all went to plan the final lesson would start at 7:20am and by 9:20am Dave would legally be able to drive. Bruce also pointed out that a test at this time would very likely be much easier, since half of it would be waiting around in traffic. General driving was going well and with 7 more lessons before the finale Dave was confident. Focus could now go on the fine tuning work, aka reversing.
Dave had been secretly driving since september. He had planned to give Jean his license as a big christmas present. Along the way, she eventually found out about it, but Dave reasoned that a present doesn't have to be a surprise to be appreciated.
December 11th 2007: Test day: Dave had gone to bed around 10pm and woke up nice and early 7am, with enough time to eat breakfast and be nice and ready for the test. Bruce arrived 7:20, Dave jumped in the drivers seat and they were away. The drive to the test centre went ok, though for some reason Dave had suddenly developed the habit of flashing his lights every time he signalled left. Thankfully, after 5 or 6 flashes, the habit disappeared as quickly as it had arrived.
The test centre was small and cold. Bruce and Dave waited quietly in the seating area. After a couple of minutes the examiners appeared.
“David Natsios,” said one lady.
The meeting was a little awkward. The lady introduced her self as Leslie. Dave went in for a handshake while she was just interested in getting Dave’s documents out of his other hand, she switched and went for the shake and Dave placed the documents in her handshake. It was a clumsy start.
The eye test was fine and the show me, tell me section was a walk over. No problems.
“Drive off when you’re ready.”
Dave checked all round and he was away. The drive was picture perfect. Signals, mirrors, speed, position, all perfect. Meeting situation occurred, Dave slowed, ready to stop, but there was enough room to take it slowly so forward he went.
The car suddenly stopped.
“There is a no entry sign there.”
The actually road had turned off to the left. Straight on had a no entry. In such a situation the examiner does not need to tell you to go left. There is no other choice.
The paint on the road had not been clear and Dave’s focus had been on the approaching car. But no entry meant no entry and when the examiner takes action that means only one thing.
Failed.
Dave continued left. A few seconds later, on a left emerge, Dave did all his observations correctly, had just enough time to get round and at that point in time wasn’t in the mood to wait. The car stopped again, but it made little difference. You can only fail each test once.
Leslie stayed quiet, so Dave asked the obvious, “Do we just drive back now or…?”
“Well, you have failed. You can chose to complete the test or we can stop here and get someone to come and collect you. I am only allowed to accompany you in exam conditions.”
The test went on. The drive in the second half was much less smooth. Dave was gutted. Still, the reverse round the corner was perfect and the reverse bay park was pretty good, although Leslie felt the need to say “You’re a little close to the red car”, which Dave had been aware of and was already fixing for, but techniquely meant he failed the test a third time. And just to kick sand in his eyes, she failed him a fourth time for forgetting to signal when stopping.
On a driving test you are allowed 16 minor faults, but no serious ones. Over the entire test, Dave finished with only 4 minor faults. Unfortuanately, he also had 4 that were marked as serious.
He had failed. Failed Bruce. Failed himself. Failed Jean. He would never be able to honestly say he passed first time.
Dave was not used to failing. It did not feel good.
But live and learn.
Now what on Earth could he get Jean for Christmas?
Tuesday 11th December. 8.20am. Norris Green test centre.
The test lasts an hour and he liked an hour before hand for his student to warm up, hence if all went to plan the final lesson would start at 7:20am and by 9:20am Dave would legally be able to drive. Bruce also pointed out that a test at this time would very likely be much easier, since half of it would be waiting around in traffic. General driving was going well and with 7 more lessons before the finale Dave was confident. Focus could now go on the fine tuning work, aka reversing.
Dave had been secretly driving since september. He had planned to give Jean his license as a big christmas present. Along the way, she eventually found out about it, but Dave reasoned that a present doesn't have to be a surprise to be appreciated.
December 11th 2007: Test day: Dave had gone to bed around 10pm and woke up nice and early 7am, with enough time to eat breakfast and be nice and ready for the test. Bruce arrived 7:20, Dave jumped in the drivers seat and they were away. The drive to the test centre went ok, though for some reason Dave had suddenly developed the habit of flashing his lights every time he signalled left. Thankfully, after 5 or 6 flashes, the habit disappeared as quickly as it had arrived.
The test centre was small and cold. Bruce and Dave waited quietly in the seating area. After a couple of minutes the examiners appeared.
“David Natsios,” said one lady.
The meeting was a little awkward. The lady introduced her self as Leslie. Dave went in for a handshake while she was just interested in getting Dave’s documents out of his other hand, she switched and went for the shake and Dave placed the documents in her handshake. It was a clumsy start.
The eye test was fine and the show me, tell me section was a walk over. No problems.
“Drive off when you’re ready.”
Dave checked all round and he was away. The drive was picture perfect. Signals, mirrors, speed, position, all perfect. Meeting situation occurred, Dave slowed, ready to stop, but there was enough room to take it slowly so forward he went.
The car suddenly stopped.
“There is a no entry sign there.”
The actually road had turned off to the left. Straight on had a no entry. In such a situation the examiner does not need to tell you to go left. There is no other choice.
The paint on the road had not been clear and Dave’s focus had been on the approaching car. But no entry meant no entry and when the examiner takes action that means only one thing.
Failed.
Dave continued left. A few seconds later, on a left emerge, Dave did all his observations correctly, had just enough time to get round and at that point in time wasn’t in the mood to wait. The car stopped again, but it made little difference. You can only fail each test once.
Leslie stayed quiet, so Dave asked the obvious, “Do we just drive back now or…?”
“Well, you have failed. You can chose to complete the test or we can stop here and get someone to come and collect you. I am only allowed to accompany you in exam conditions.”
The test went on. The drive in the second half was much less smooth. Dave was gutted. Still, the reverse round the corner was perfect and the reverse bay park was pretty good, although Leslie felt the need to say “You’re a little close to the red car”, which Dave had been aware of and was already fixing for, but techniquely meant he failed the test a third time. And just to kick sand in his eyes, she failed him a fourth time for forgetting to signal when stopping.
On a driving test you are allowed 16 minor faults, but no serious ones. Over the entire test, Dave finished with only 4 minor faults. Unfortuanately, he also had 4 that were marked as serious.
He had failed. Failed Bruce. Failed himself. Failed Jean. He would never be able to honestly say he passed first time.
Dave was not used to failing. It did not feel good.
But live and learn.
Now what on Earth could he get Jean for Christmas?
Friday, December 07, 2007
Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics.
Stare. Think. Scratch head. Stare. Idea! Research (Wikipedia). R program. Program fails. Scratch head. Rewrite. Fails. Rewrite. Graph!
And repeat.
Dave was going well. His pile of graphs got bigger by the day. Such pretty things, even his supervisor had fallen for them. So, so pretty.
However, after the days turned into weeks, the weeks turned into months and the months turned into years, Dave finally decided perhaps he should actually do some statstics for his statistics PhD, to add to his pretty pretty graphs. Therein lied his mistake.
"What? That can't be right." Nope, when Dave spoke to himself it was almost always a bad sign.
The statistics suggested his results were wrong. He checked again. And again. And again. How could it be? The graphs were so very very pretty.
Defeated, with only five minutes before his meeting with both supervisor and sponsor, why, oh why, had he checked the stats?
Dave now had several options, most of which involved faking his own death, faking his results or coming clean. The fool chose to come clean.
"Hmm.." said his supervisor.
There were several possible explanations as to what happened next. Perhaps the supervisor felt sorry for the student. Perhaps he thought stupid student makes him look bad. Perhaps he was still thinking about the pretty pretty graphs. Or perhaps he wasn't really paying attention.
In any case, the facts were brushed to one side, some other tests were suggested and the conversation continued as if it had never happened.
Ah the beauty of statistics. If at first you don't succeed, just keep changing the test until you find one that agrees with you. And if THAT fails, create a whole new test.
Phew.
And repeat.
Dave was going well. His pile of graphs got bigger by the day. Such pretty things, even his supervisor had fallen for them. So, so pretty.
However, after the days turned into weeks, the weeks turned into months and the months turned into years, Dave finally decided perhaps he should actually do some statstics for his statistics PhD, to add to his pretty pretty graphs. Therein lied his mistake.
"What? That can't be right." Nope, when Dave spoke to himself it was almost always a bad sign.
The statistics suggested his results were wrong. He checked again. And again. And again. How could it be? The graphs were so very very pretty.
Defeated, with only five minutes before his meeting with both supervisor and sponsor, why, oh why, had he checked the stats?
Dave now had several options, most of which involved faking his own death, faking his results or coming clean. The fool chose to come clean.
"Hmm.." said his supervisor.
There were several possible explanations as to what happened next. Perhaps the supervisor felt sorry for the student. Perhaps he thought stupid student makes him look bad. Perhaps he was still thinking about the pretty pretty graphs. Or perhaps he wasn't really paying attention.
In any case, the facts were brushed to one side, some other tests were suggested and the conversation continued as if it had never happened.
Ah the beauty of statistics. If at first you don't succeed, just keep changing the test until you find one that agrees with you. And if THAT fails, create a whole new test.
Phew.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Vicky Weir
Vicky was diagnosed with breast cancer Friday 27th October 2006, 3 weeks before her 40th birthday. Her little girl Iona was 5 at the time and she had been with her partner Martin for exactly 2 years, they met through speed dating.
Vicky was full of life. She brought fun and joy to everyone she met and even to some people she never met, myself included. When Vicky was first diagnosed she started writing an online journal (http://vickyweir.blogspot.com). I know her through these words.
They say you can judge a person by their friends. If this is the case then Vicky was a very fine lady. Her blog had more readers each day than mine had in a year, and this was only including those who knew her well enough to leave a comment. I could never think of any comment to add. I still don't know what to say and this entry does not do justice to how I feel or who she was.
Despite fighting this every step of the way and clinging to life with every breath, Vicky's cancer spread. She passed away this morning, November 14th 2007, 3 days before her 41st birthday.
My thoughts and prayers are with Iona, Martin and the rest of her many, many close friends and family.
Vicky was full of life. She brought fun and joy to everyone she met and even to some people she never met, myself included. When Vicky was first diagnosed she started writing an online journal (http://vickyweir.blogspot.com). I know her through these words.
They say you can judge a person by their friends. If this is the case then Vicky was a very fine lady. Her blog had more readers each day than mine had in a year, and this was only including those who knew her well enough to leave a comment. I could never think of any comment to add. I still don't know what to say and this entry does not do justice to how I feel or who she was.
Despite fighting this every step of the way and clinging to life with every breath, Vicky's cancer spread. She passed away this morning, November 14th 2007, 3 days before her 41st birthday.
My thoughts and prayers are with Iona, Martin and the rest of her many, many close friends and family.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Dr? Who?
"...aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh..." sighed Dave. After bursting for a Wii for weeks it felt really good to finally have one.
Virgin had recieved a new stock of 28 Wiis. All 28 had sold out within 20 minutes. Jean had managed to get number 26. Mission accomplished.
After an incredibly fast weekend with Jean, Bian and a Wii, came Monday and Dave was presented with a new problem. Although he had work to do, he had no timetables, no set obligations, not even a meeting with his supervisor, nothing. For the next two weeks, he was completely his own boss. And the Wii was just sitting there...
On one shoulder was Evil Dave, dressed in the sluttiest little devil costume you could imagine. Very sexy, especially his legs. Evil Dave whispered little things into Dave's right ear.
"Two weeks free. Two weeks! Take this week off, go play Zelda! ... Zelda.... Zelda.... Zelda.... "
Thankfully, on Dave's other shoulder was Good Dave. Dressed in an adorable little angel costume, complete with halo. Still very sexy, but in more of a wedding day, white dress kind of way. Good Dave was there to whisper into Dave's left ear.
"Five minutes won't hurt. I mean, come on, it's Zelda! You only live once."
Could Dave regain focus? Would he ever complete his PhD? Would anyone who read this ever be able to get rid off the disturbing image of Evil Dave?
Find out, next time.
Virgin had recieved a new stock of 28 Wiis. All 28 had sold out within 20 minutes. Jean had managed to get number 26. Mission accomplished.
After an incredibly fast weekend with Jean, Bian and a Wii, came Monday and Dave was presented with a new problem. Although he had work to do, he had no timetables, no set obligations, not even a meeting with his supervisor, nothing. For the next two weeks, he was completely his own boss. And the Wii was just sitting there...
On one shoulder was Evil Dave, dressed in the sluttiest little devil costume you could imagine. Very sexy, especially his legs. Evil Dave whispered little things into Dave's right ear.
"Two weeks free. Two weeks! Take this week off, go play Zelda! ... Zelda.... Zelda.... Zelda.... "
Thankfully, on Dave's other shoulder was Good Dave. Dressed in an adorable little angel costume, complete with halo. Still very sexy, but in more of a wedding day, white dress kind of way. Good Dave was there to whisper into Dave's left ear.
"Five minutes won't hurt. I mean, come on, it's Zelda! You only live once."
Could Dave regain focus? Would he ever complete his PhD? Would anyone who read this ever be able to get rid off the disturbing image of Evil Dave?
Find out, next time.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
I really need a Wii.
Dave and Jean were over at Xiong and Re's new place for a meal. It was nice. Samuel, a privately hired chauffeur, had picked them up from their door, Xiong and Re had cooked everything and Kelly had been asked over to provide "entertainment". What more could anyone ask for?
The apartment was lovely. A modern flat, with incredibly comfortable sofas. Jean checked out every room in the place, including the housemates room who she had never met. Why Jean had felt the need to explore a strange man's room while he wasn't around was a mystery. Why Re had felt comfortable showing her around it was more so. Privacy was clearly not included in the rent.
The meal was delicious accompanied by standard coversation topics such as late night Porn and all male threesomes. Then came time to play some physical games with Kelly. Dave knew what Jean would say before she said it, and she said it before the games even began...
"Dave! I wanna Wii!"
The Wii is surely Nintendo's finest hour. Move over naked chef, the Wii is the ultimate answer to childhood (and adulthood) obesity, making excercise unbelievably fun. For anyone who doesn't know (welcome to Earth, feel free to take Bush when u leave), the Wii uses motion senses so that the player actually has to move to move their character. Playing Tennis you actually have to swing, racing cows you actually have to steer and boxing you actually have to punch. Alot.
By the end of the night Dave and Jean were aching all over. Their backs, shoulders, elbows and arms, but most of all their pockets. They had to have one.
"I really need a Wii."
But having a Wii was not a straight forward task. Even a year after it's release, the Wii, best selling console out of the three big boys, is completely sold out. No where in Liverpool city centre was there a place to have a Wii. Neither was there many places online. Although the Wii sells for £180, ebay was selling second hand ones for over £200. Clearly everyone was bursting for a Wii and with Christmas in the air things were not going to get better any time soon.
It looked like Dave and Jean would have to wait.
The apartment was lovely. A modern flat, with incredibly comfortable sofas. Jean checked out every room in the place, including the housemates room who she had never met. Why Jean had felt the need to explore a strange man's room while he wasn't around was a mystery. Why Re had felt comfortable showing her around it was more so. Privacy was clearly not included in the rent.
The meal was delicious accompanied by standard coversation topics such as late night Porn and all male threesomes. Then came time to play some physical games with Kelly. Dave knew what Jean would say before she said it, and she said it before the games even began...
"Dave! I wanna Wii!"
The Wii is surely Nintendo's finest hour. Move over naked chef, the Wii is the ultimate answer to childhood (and adulthood) obesity, making excercise unbelievably fun. For anyone who doesn't know (welcome to Earth, feel free to take Bush when u leave), the Wii uses motion senses so that the player actually has to move to move their character. Playing Tennis you actually have to swing, racing cows you actually have to steer and boxing you actually have to punch. Alot.
By the end of the night Dave and Jean were aching all over. Their backs, shoulders, elbows and arms, but most of all their pockets. They had to have one.
"I really need a Wii."
But having a Wii was not a straight forward task. Even a year after it's release, the Wii, best selling console out of the three big boys, is completely sold out. No where in Liverpool city centre was there a place to have a Wii. Neither was there many places online. Although the Wii sells for £180, ebay was selling second hand ones for over £200. Clearly everyone was bursting for a Wii and with Christmas in the air things were not going to get better any time soon.
It looked like Dave and Jean would have to wait.
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Housewife Boy.
It wasn't everyday one discovered they had a special ability. A super human power. Dave had suspected it for a few weeks now, but today it had surely been proven beyond all reasonable doubt.
"... oh, Chin might be round in a bit..."
Jean often threw these little surprises Dave's way. She wouldn't mention until the last possible moment, and sometimes not even then, if they were expected guests or had plans to go somewhere. This time however, Dave had expected it all along. He had cleaned the house top to bottom.
In fact, the last 5 times Dave had cleaned the house had co-insided perfectly with the last 5 surprise visits. Dave would feel the need to have a tidy house and then boom, a visitor would see it. Although Dave hadn't been given any clues, he had been constantly wondering who would drop by today as he vacuumed like a madman.
It was obvious he had a gift. He wasn't entirely sure if his tidying created the surprise visits or if he had the ability to "know" when a tidying was required, but he clearly had a gift.
But with great gifts came great responsibilty. He must put these new found powers to good use.
He was... Housewife Boy!
(Should any big shot movie producer happen across this, the movie rights for "Housewife Boy" are available, get in touch, we'll do business.)
"... oh, Chin might be round in a bit..."
Jean often threw these little surprises Dave's way. She wouldn't mention until the last possible moment, and sometimes not even then, if they were expected guests or had plans to go somewhere. This time however, Dave had expected it all along. He had cleaned the house top to bottom.
In fact, the last 5 times Dave had cleaned the house had co-insided perfectly with the last 5 surprise visits. Dave would feel the need to have a tidy house and then boom, a visitor would see it. Although Dave hadn't been given any clues, he had been constantly wondering who would drop by today as he vacuumed like a madman.
It was obvious he had a gift. He wasn't entirely sure if his tidying created the surprise visits or if he had the ability to "know" when a tidying was required, but he clearly had a gift.
But with great gifts came great responsibilty. He must put these new found powers to good use.
He was... Housewife Boy!
(Should any big shot movie producer happen across this, the movie rights for "Housewife Boy" are available, get in touch, we'll do business.)
Monday, August 27, 2007
BBQ
Bank Holiday Monday, time for a break.
Dave and Jean spent the morning with two of Jean's friends having a BBQ.
The BBQ followed the usual pattern, 3hrs trying to get the fire going, followed by a fire big enough to be seen from space, followed by tasty chicken.
In addition to the standard BBQ joys, Dave also had the pleasure of the guessing game, since the conversation was almost entirely in Chinese.
".... I saw some things I really shouldn't have saw...."
"... liu ge nan..." (six males)
"... qiao ke li...." (chocolate)
"... hao bu hao kan?..." (Did it look good?)
Dave had no idea what they were talking about, but he was fairly certain his version of the conversation was more entertaining than theirs.
Dave and Jean spent the morning with two of Jean's friends having a BBQ.
The BBQ followed the usual pattern, 3hrs trying to get the fire going, followed by a fire big enough to be seen from space, followed by tasty chicken.
In addition to the standard BBQ joys, Dave also had the pleasure of the guessing game, since the conversation was almost entirely in Chinese.
".... I saw some things I really shouldn't have saw...."
"... liu ge nan..." (six males)
"... qiao ke li...." (chocolate)
"... hao bu hao kan?..." (Did it look good?)
Dave had no idea what they were talking about, but he was fairly certain his version of the conversation was more entertaining than theirs.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
AWOL
It had started out as an ordinary day. Dave had slept till noon and Jean had woke him with complaints about a lack of help around the house. Dave had then yawned and went back to sleep till one.
It had continued into an ordinary bus journey. Dave and Jean sitting hand in hand on an Arriva number 10. Possibly a 10A. The journey ended in the usual fashion with the bus stopping, the doors opening and Dave and Jean stepping off into the big bad world...
The phrase "What a difference a day makes, 24 little hours," is widely known. The reality is that it takes far less than 24 hrs for things to change. Blink and you'll miss it.
... "Where's my bag?"...
Jean's bag was, of cause, still on the Arriva 10. Possibly 10A. The bad news was that it contained Jean's mobile, address book, wallet, money, keys, stuff for work and various sentimental items.
The good news was that it had Jean's day rider ticket, so it could stay on the bus all day without being kicked off. Heck it could even switch busses as many times as it liked.
The overall cost of replacing the bag seemed likely to be in the range of at least 100 pounds, which wasn't great. Dave would now need to chase up cancelling various things, replacing things and trying desperately to locate the bag through the lost and found, though early efforts had all led to nought.
On the way home, an Ambulance drove noisely by and quickly disappeared into the distance. Someone, somewhere, was in serious need of help. Dave wondered how long the accident had taken to happen.
Blink and you'll miss it.
Dave and Jean should count themselves lucky.
It had continued into an ordinary bus journey. Dave and Jean sitting hand in hand on an Arriva number 10. Possibly a 10A. The journey ended in the usual fashion with the bus stopping, the doors opening and Dave and Jean stepping off into the big bad world...
The phrase "What a difference a day makes, 24 little hours," is widely known. The reality is that it takes far less than 24 hrs for things to change. Blink and you'll miss it.
... "Where's my bag?"...
Jean's bag was, of cause, still on the Arriva 10. Possibly 10A. The bad news was that it contained Jean's mobile, address book, wallet, money, keys, stuff for work and various sentimental items.
The good news was that it had Jean's day rider ticket, so it could stay on the bus all day without being kicked off. Heck it could even switch busses as many times as it liked.
The overall cost of replacing the bag seemed likely to be in the range of at least 100 pounds, which wasn't great. Dave would now need to chase up cancelling various things, replacing things and trying desperately to locate the bag through the lost and found, though early efforts had all led to nought.
On the way home, an Ambulance drove noisely by and quickly disappeared into the distance. Someone, somewhere, was in serious need of help. Dave wondered how long the accident had taken to happen.
Blink and you'll miss it.
Dave and Jean should count themselves lucky.
Saturday, August 04, 2007
8 Today
Saturday August 4th 2007 at 6pm was Emma's party to celebrate her 8th Birthday.
Alan and Emily were a little late, Peter and Rachel were later, John's mum and dad were reasonably on time and Dave was a half hour early and had helped Emma to finish most of the sweets before the others had arrived.
Emma had all her new toys lined up on display and seemed incredibly happy with them all. Dave added a fairy playset to the collection, Alan and Emily came in with a pair of fairies and Peter and Rachel had a fairy Bratz horse to deliver, which went rather well with her new fairy Bratz doll. There seemed to be some kind of common theme, but Dave couldn't put his finger on it. Strangely, they had all chosen their gifts independently.
After a few hours of sweets, chit chat, a crazy 8-year old and some wrestling videos which made everyone realise their age, Dave got a lift from Alan back home. It was a lovely day.
A little later he recieved a text:
"Daved thak yow foor my presents lovv emma"
"Happy Birthday Emma. Hope you had a great one."
Alan and Emily were a little late, Peter and Rachel were later, John's mum and dad were reasonably on time and Dave was a half hour early and had helped Emma to finish most of the sweets before the others had arrived.
Emma had all her new toys lined up on display and seemed incredibly happy with them all. Dave added a fairy playset to the collection, Alan and Emily came in with a pair of fairies and Peter and Rachel had a fairy Bratz horse to deliver, which went rather well with her new fairy Bratz doll. There seemed to be some kind of common theme, but Dave couldn't put his finger on it. Strangely, they had all chosen their gifts independently.
After a few hours of sweets, chit chat, a crazy 8-year old and some wrestling videos which made everyone realise their age, Dave got a lift from Alan back home. It was a lovely day.
A little later he recieved a text:
"Daved thak yow foor my presents lovv emma"
"Happy Birthday Emma. Hope you had a great one."
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Problem Gambling
With the new super Casinos on the horizon, stories of gambling addicition became increasingly common. The list of people who had lost everything on the role of a dice, then stole more to lose on the next role, seemed surprisingly large, with new names added all the time. Dave had always been amazed at such stupidity. Little did he know, his name would soon be attached to the bottom.
It had started out friendly enough, a simple game of cards between friends, something to pass the time. The games grew longer, more frequent and came to their unavoidable destination. Gambling.
But this was not just small time gambling. Not just a few pound coins passed back and forth. No. The stakes were far higher.
The sentences,
"Whoever loses this game has to wash the dishes!"
and
"Whoever loses this game has to eat all the leftovers!"
became increasingly common.
Like any true addict, Dave found he couldn't stop. Having lost once, he would gamble on who would clean the dishes the next day and then the next!
Now, having washed the dishes three days straight and standing in front of a mountain of plates, pots and greesy pans, Dave knew he had a problem.
Still, it could be worse.
Bian now weighed 40 stone.
It had started out friendly enough, a simple game of cards between friends, something to pass the time. The games grew longer, more frequent and came to their unavoidable destination. Gambling.
But this was not just small time gambling. Not just a few pound coins passed back and forth. No. The stakes were far higher.
The sentences,
"Whoever loses this game has to wash the dishes!"
and
"Whoever loses this game has to eat all the leftovers!"
became increasingly common.
Like any true addict, Dave found he couldn't stop. Having lost once, he would gamble on who would clean the dishes the next day and then the next!
Now, having washed the dishes three days straight and standing in front of a mountain of plates, pots and greesy pans, Dave knew he had a problem.
Still, it could be worse.
Bian now weighed 40 stone.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Careers Workshop
Monday, July 16th, Dave woke early, staggered out of bed and rushed out the door, thankfully pausing just long enough to put on clothes. He was off to the University of Liverpool's GRAD school Careers Workshop week in Edge Hill University, where he would stay for the next two and a half days.
After signing in and picking up his keys, he had a short break to check out his accomadation. His initial thought of "So this is why some students kill themselves" described it perfectly. It was a small plain room. A bed, a closet, a desk, nothing more. No room to fit anything more if you wanted to. The bed seemed on the small side even for a single, and it squeeked with every movement. The bed sheets were of a questionable nature and the pillow was waffer thin. Attached to the room was a small bathroom, toilet, sink and shower. The shower was fun. It took a remarkably long time to heat up, then quickly went from icy cold to bubbling hot.
As much as Dave wanted to just hang out and relax in his new crib, he was here to work and day one was about to begin.
The workshop was a very mixed event. From the people presenting, the people attending and the subjects on study it was mixed in every possible way. It ranged from CV building and mock interviews to seemingly pointless "fun" team games. In the first evening there was a chill out session complete with pub quiz and in the second a hardcore dancing session resulting in bruising and blisters for several people. Dave picked up some wonderful advice to advance his career, such as "wear pink", "get drunk" and "sleep with people for publicity".
Dave's main interest during the three days was not so much what the presenters were saying, but how his fellow PhD students responded. A large amount of them seemed to hate the whole thing with a passion. Dave, who very rarely hated anything with a passion and prefered to just make the most of it and get whatever cheap laughs were available, found their attitude rather amusing. Yes, it was a bit silly and pointless at times, but it had to be done, so why not be silly and pointless in a mature way rather than pointlessly and sillily complaining about pointless and silly performances, if that makes sense.
Another thing Dave picked up on was how strange a thing confidence was. Dave did very little in his spare time, he found it very difficult to talk to new people, conversation did not come naturally to him, he had no idea what he would do next in life, his written work was apparently abysmal and his supervisor told him on a weekly basis how awful his PhD was. Despite studying a PhD in statistics, Dave had failed to answer even one statistics related question asked by other students there. In comparison, another student there had been to Cambridge, was a Scout Leader, played Tenis tournements, badminton, swimming, kayaking, etc, etc, played 5 instruments, several of which were self taught, had a job, career goals, owned a house and was doing a PhD part time. What Dave found bizare was that when the two of them spoke, it was Dave who came across as the confident one. In fact, Dave had somehow managed to sound fairly confident throughout the whole event. He had even fooled at least one person into thinking he was "a good comunicator". How he had pulled that off he had no idea.
After a long hard day, Dave got back to his room and collasped onto his bed. Of cause, being used to a double bed and being very tired, he misjudged his fall going head first into the wall. That hurt. Thankfully, no one was around to see that moment of stupidity.
No one would ever know.
After signing in and picking up his keys, he had a short break to check out his accomadation. His initial thought of "So this is why some students kill themselves" described it perfectly. It was a small plain room. A bed, a closet, a desk, nothing more. No room to fit anything more if you wanted to. The bed seemed on the small side even for a single, and it squeeked with every movement. The bed sheets were of a questionable nature and the pillow was waffer thin. Attached to the room was a small bathroom, toilet, sink and shower. The shower was fun. It took a remarkably long time to heat up, then quickly went from icy cold to bubbling hot.
As much as Dave wanted to just hang out and relax in his new crib, he was here to work and day one was about to begin.
The workshop was a very mixed event. From the people presenting, the people attending and the subjects on study it was mixed in every possible way. It ranged from CV building and mock interviews to seemingly pointless "fun" team games. In the first evening there was a chill out session complete with pub quiz and in the second a hardcore dancing session resulting in bruising and blisters for several people. Dave picked up some wonderful advice to advance his career, such as "wear pink", "get drunk" and "sleep with people for publicity".
Dave's main interest during the three days was not so much what the presenters were saying, but how his fellow PhD students responded. A large amount of them seemed to hate the whole thing with a passion. Dave, who very rarely hated anything with a passion and prefered to just make the most of it and get whatever cheap laughs were available, found their attitude rather amusing. Yes, it was a bit silly and pointless at times, but it had to be done, so why not be silly and pointless in a mature way rather than pointlessly and sillily complaining about pointless and silly performances, if that makes sense.
Another thing Dave picked up on was how strange a thing confidence was. Dave did very little in his spare time, he found it very difficult to talk to new people, conversation did not come naturally to him, he had no idea what he would do next in life, his written work was apparently abysmal and his supervisor told him on a weekly basis how awful his PhD was. Despite studying a PhD in statistics, Dave had failed to answer even one statistics related question asked by other students there. In comparison, another student there had been to Cambridge, was a Scout Leader, played Tenis tournements, badminton, swimming, kayaking, etc, etc, played 5 instruments, several of which were self taught, had a job, career goals, owned a house and was doing a PhD part time. What Dave found bizare was that when the two of them spoke, it was Dave who came across as the confident one. In fact, Dave had somehow managed to sound fairly confident throughout the whole event. He had even fooled at least one person into thinking he was "a good comunicator". How he had pulled that off he had no idea.
After a long hard day, Dave got back to his room and collasped onto his bed. Of cause, being used to a double bed and being very tired, he misjudged his fall going head first into the wall. That hurt. Thankfully, no one was around to see that moment of stupidity.
No one would ever know.
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