Update?

"So," said Dave, "How's me dad?"

"Well," said Dave's mum....

Dave's dad had always had a thing for having a somewhat pessimistic view when it came to his personal health. For example, on one occassion when he discovered his hands had turned a slightly blue colour he immediately assumed he was about to die. Dave's mum had pointed out that it was dye from his gloves and therefore not all that lethal.

With this in mind, Dave could only begin to imagine what his dad had thought when they sat him in a chair and said, "Mr Natsios, the check we are about to do to discover what the growth is will involve us going up the urethra and scratching a small piece off for testing. You will be awake throughout the entire thing and if it goes wrong, which is unlikely, your urethra could swell up and you will be unable to use it and you will need to be hooked up to a bag."

Dave's dad left the hospital without having the check.

After a few days and a few chats with Dave's mum, he finally had the courage to go back and have the check. However the hospital had other ideas. He was placed directly into a cancer ward and was about to be given an operation to remove the growth without bothering to discover how serious it was. "If this goes wrong, which is unlikely, you may end up in a wheelchair..."

Dave's dad left the hospital again without having anything done. The current situation was, despite the trips to the hospital, nothing further was known and nothing further had been done.

... "and then, as your dad was leaving the hospital, the doctor said to him, I can see your not ready Mr Natsios, but please come back soon, I don't want my patient to die."

Dave took the news, or lack of news, rather well. He would hopefully find out more soon, but for now there was nothing much to worry about.

The next morning Dave woke up in a flood of tears, but, on the bright side, it got him out of bed before 10am on a saturday, which was almost unheard of.

"He's going to be fine," said Jean,

"He's going to be fine."

MyHeritage.com

Dave had discovered a great new game. MyHeritage.com. Basically, it's a website on which you up load pictures of yourself, friends and family. The site then uses state of the art techniques to decide which 10 celebrities the person in the picture looks most like.

When you think about it, that's pretty damn clever.

To Dave's horror his photo had a 50% match to Justin Timberlake, the celebrity certain people had tried to convince Dave he looked like, which Dave had always found to be nonsense. He apparently also had a 55% match to Sean Hayes, the really gay friend of Will in Will and Grace.

To Dave's amusement, other peoples photos had had some fairly interesting results....

Jean: 56% match to Joseph E. Stiglitz (guy going bald with a beard)
Dave's mum: 53% match to Uri Geller, 50% match to David Schwimmer (Ross from friends)
Dave's dad: 55% match to Whoopi Goldberg, 55% match to the Dalai Lama and 52% match to the Prince of Wales. (How is it even slightly possible for anyone to get that combination?)
Alan: 66% match to Isabella Rossellini
Andrea: 70% match to Madonna, 68% match to Wentworth Miller (guy from Prisonbreak)
Steven: 72% match to Meg Ryan, 63% match to Audrey Tautou and actually 9 of 10 of his matches were women.
Peter: 48% match to Christina Aguilera
Emma: 70% match to Katie Holmes
Anya: 55% match to Naomi Campbell

Aline: 71% match to Britney Spears
Macca: 70% match to Sarah Jessica Parker (the main one from Sex in the City). As with Ste, 9 out of 10 of these matches were women.

‘So’, thought Dave, ‘If I look like Justin Timberlake, I’m taking everyone else down with me.’

Context

"Growth"

What do you think of when you hear the word "Growth"?

The evironmentalist may think of new forests and plant life.
The parent may think of how quickly there little ones seem to shoot up.
The pyscologist may think of an individual's maturity.
The builder may think of expanding cities and highways.
The Head of Tesco may think of world domination.

Unfortanetly, when Dave heard the word recently he didn't have the luxory of any of these interpretations.

"Dave," said his mum, "Your dad's had his tests, they found a growth on his bladder..."

Dave didn't know what to think. He knew what he most certainly did NOT want to think of, but that was the thing that kept coming to him anyway.

The doctors didn't know what it was yet. They would do some more tests. There was a wide range of possiblities with an equally wide range of how serious it could be.

For now, Dave could only hope, prayer and say, "It's bound to be nothing".

Failure

Dave had set himself 3 challenges for Lent. Now, with Lent done and dusted, he could see his results.

No sweets: Passed
No alcohol: Passed
Daily pressups and weekly swimming: Failed. Not even close.

He could give himself list upon list of excuses why it hadn't happened. He could blame this. that or the other. He could console himself with the words of meatloaf that "two outa three aiin't bad".

Or he could simply accept the cold hard reality that he had completely failed and begin training for next year.

...right after he finished these chocy eggs....

Playing with Wiki.

Wikipedia. The greatest invention since sliced bread, which, according to Wikipedia, first came out in July 1928. Endless volumes of infinite knowledge. Dave was fairly certain he would have failed his PhD miserably had it not been around. It could also be used as a wonderfully entertaining game.

"Jing Luo"

Gives Jing Jing Luo, famous chinese composer

"McNeilis"

Gives "Danger Man"

and

"Natsios"

Gives "The Return of The Bastards"

Wikipedia really did know everything.

Best of British

When were women given the right to vote?
In which year will be the next census?
How wide is the widest point of Britain?
What year were women allowed to divorce their husbands?
What percentage of young people go into higher education?
How many years was the second world war?

Okay, an easy one:
Who is the head of the Government?

Prime Minister? Nope, The Queen.

Apparently, knowing the answers to all of these questions and many more like them is essential if you wish to blend in to the day to day British life as they all appear in the "Life in the UK" test which must be passed by anyone who wishes to stay indefinately in this country. Previously, passing the test was only required when applying for a British Passport. From April 2nd 2007 it has been extended to anyone who wishes indefinate leave to remain even if they don't want to be British.
This was somewhat bothersome for Dave. It meant his wife, Jean, now had only two months in which to learn all this "incredibly useful" information and pass the test. This time was shortened further because the new book relevant for the new tests from April 2nd was not yet available. Added to the £35 fee for the test and the £10 fee for the book, the couple were also now faced with an increase of the visa price from £335 to £750. That's an increase of 124%. Apparently this was a perfectly fair charge and should be paid for by legal foreigners, since the extra money would be used to keep illegal foreigners out.
For some reason, Dave couldn't quite figure out the logic with that.

Magic Mini Mac Moments

Another Saturday adventure with Little Mac and Mini Mac. Three hours of childhood joy. They went to see "the big pond" aka the river Mersey, saw big boats and little boats and creepy giant "friendly" musuem crabs. They then swung back through a little park to another musuem, saw Wallace and Gromit, insects, played alot of sport and had a quick drink. Mini Mac was bouncing up and down and looking at everything with an endless stream of energy, whilst Dave and Mac plodded along happily exhausted behind her.

Even though Dave had been there, he still couldn't work out how they had done it all in three hours. One or two little moments in particular stood out...

"I think those lads are aloud to climb on it," said Mini, about a bunch of teenage lads climbing on a statue in the park, whilst argueing that she should be allowed.
"No," replied Mac, "they're not." He then, clearly drunk with the power of being a newly appointed constable, added, "I might have to arrest them all."
"YEAH!" screeched Beth excitedly, "Beat them all up and arrest them! Come on! Do it now daddy!"
She then, to her daddies horror, charged at them, safe in the knowledge that her daddy would take them all on, despite being off-duty with no protective gear, scary uniform or backup.
Mac quickly led his daughter away.

...

"I'm hungry," anounced Beth.
"What would you like?"
"I want cake."
Dave and Mac duitfully escorted her to the museum cafe, where Mac bought her a delightful looking slice of chocolate cake. Dave, still keeping to his no sweets lent vow, sat and watched trying not to druel. She rubbed a little of it on her dolls face, ate less than her doll did herself and announced.
"I'm full. I don't want any more."

...

"You sit here Dave and you sit next to him daddy."
But daddy didn't sit where he was told.
Beth was quick to put him straight, "Your not listening to me! Your not suppose to sit there! When we get home your going straight to your bed!"

...

"Bethany, show Dave how you can count."
She began counting to herself silently.
"No Beth, say it outloud."
"1! 2!" she shouted
"No Beth," said Mac quickly, "I didn't mean THAT loud." Daddy really should make himself more clear.
"1,2,....20,21... 29..." she said perfectly in the voice of an angel, "20-10,20-11,20-12,....20-20," she continued with a proud smile.
She was unbelievebly cute.

Fat Ass.

"Oi you! Fat Ass!"

Dave carried on walking. Two lads, shouting abuse for no good reason, it was sadly a common place thing now. They stood at almost every street corner. Yet Dave still couldn't believe he had actually just heard that right.

"Oi"

He must have been mistaken.

"Cheeky Ass!"

It just wasn't possible.

"F*ing..."

These two lads where in the nursery playground. They must have been about 4 years old.

Coffee, Redemption and a Muffin please.

According to Dave's limited knowledge of the Bible, Jesus Christ only truely got angry and lost his cool on one recorded occasion in his short life time. On walking into a church he found it was being used as a market place. He smashed things, overturned tables and put everyone there to shame. Selling things in church was a major no no.

Knowing this, Dave stood speachless. He was in Liverpool's Old Cathedrale. The vast size and feel of the building would be enough to quiet any tongue. Unfortunately, Dave was speechless in a bad way.

The Cathedrale had a shop. Ok, the Cathedrale needs money and true the majority of things in there seemed to be religous or cathedrale related. But did it really need to sell things like a phonebox moneybox? Upstairs in the shop, a cafe added further insult. But what REALLY annoyed Dave was that the Cathedrale was putting on a mass and there were three times as many people in the cafe than sitting and listening.

There was something very wrong with that.

Mireille 2: The Two (French) Towers.

A year after the departure of Mireille she had finally confirmed the time of her return. Feb 23rd till Feb 25th. One tiny weekend. It would never be enough, but it was all they had. Jean and Dave counted down the seconds till the reunion.

She would be bringing her good friend Anna along for the ride. The four of them would share Dave's two bedroomed terrace. It would be snug, but having grown up with seven, a cat and a dog in a house the same size, Dave was quietly confident it wouldn't cause any problems.

They were due to arrive at 11:40. Dave arrived at the airport with pleanty of time to spare at 11:38. 10 minutes later the Terrible Two arrived and it was 24/7 smiling until they left.

They hit all the old favorites, i.e. both Kimos and Egg Cafe. Shopping, bookshop, coffee, docks, two cathedrales, movies and pancakes. Dave and Jean tried to cram as much wholesome goodness into 53 hours as would possibly comfortably go.

The time went by far too quick, and almost before they arrived it seemed time for them to leave. Again they would very selfishly be going back to Paris to complete a law degree instead of sticking around to entertain Mr and Mrs Dave.

Again they would be missed.

Lent 2007

Last year Dave had vowed to do 50 press ups a day for lent. On average he had just about succeeded, with a slow start but doing 4 sets of 25 a day towards the end playing catch up. A few years earlier he had given up chocolate and succeeded with little trouble.

This year it was time to step it up another notch.

1. Averaging 60 press ups a day and swimming 3 times a week
2. Giving up not only chocolate but ALL sweets.
3. A new entry of no alcohol thrown in just to show off.

Could he do it?

....20, 21, 22.... thud. Is 22 close to 60?

1 Carrot gold.

"Dad, you called me?"

"Hiya Dibs, yeah I just found a carrot and I was thinking of you."

"... a carrot?..."

"Yeah, I was walking past the place in Sefton park where you made the dent and I saw a carrot and I thought about how you used to play there when you were little..."

Dave had no idea what a carrot had to do with anything at all. It didn't matter. It's the strange little moments in life that make life worth living.

5 a day.... squared.

Organisational skills.
Common Sense.
Basic Knowledge of Cooking.
Anyone willing to eat food he made.

These were all things Dave did not have. What he did have was:

500g of Mushrooms
335g of Beansprouts
A Cabbage
Brocceli
7 Bananas
3 Apples
3 pork ribs

all of which had to either be eaten today or thrown away and Dave really hated waste. According to the helpful Tesco labelling this came to 25 of his five a day fruit and veg and 3 pork ribs. He also had some potatoes and parnips, but they could wait till tomorrow. Had Jean been around this may not have been so bad, but she was away being pampered in a work related holiday.

First up, mushroom and beansprout soup.

5 down, 20 to go.

Valentine's day 2007

Valentine's day. Feb 14th. Most romantic night of the year.

Dave spent the night bashing away at his computer in a desperate attempt to get some work done before his very fast approaching deadline, his wife spent it online talking on MSN to "a group of single guys".

Three years together, good to see the magic hadn't died.

Luckily all was not as it seemed. The couple had celebrated Valentine's day two days earlier. Dave had cooked what could only be considered the most splendid meal he had ever cooked, complete with chocolates, candles, strawberries and cream. It had been SO good, that Jean had actually at one point considered eating some of it. Dave had recieved a very fancy new watch for his efforts.

It was nice.

Becky

After over 24 hrs on the train, the trio finally arrived in Beijing. They had around 24 hrs until their flight. Dave and Bian would be staying at Bian's cousin's place. Jean would be sleeping with her oldest and bestest friend Zhu Fang Fei (aka Scott, aka Florence, aka Piggy) in a nearby hotel.

On arrival at Bian's cousin's place a cute little girl attached a tiny cute little kaola bear to Dave's collar. The girl was Bian's cousin's daughter, her (English) name was Becky. She immediately dragged Dave away from everyone else to play games with fluffy dogs, comics, cards and computer games. It was bizarre, Dave had never became so close to anyone so instantly. Even when he met his own Mum he didn't speak to her for like a year.

When the group went out for a meal together, Becky once again attached the kaola to Dave's collar and herself to Dave's arm. He was very special to her, he was her "Hou si shu shu" (Monkey Uncle). Towards the end of lunch she began playing word games. The rules to winning seemed a little confused but basically boiled down to, "if your Hou si shu shu you win". Dave was very touched.

The next day Becky demanded to sit next to Dave on the way to the airport. In the car they played with her fluffy dog, her kaola bear and a little lizard which kinda looked like a frog. They also played a "guess what number I'm thinking of" game. Pick a number between 1 to 100, then the other person trys to guess it with "higher, lower" type clues. On one occasion Becky actually guessed Dave's number in one guess.

The car trip went very quickly. In the airport, whilst going through security, Dave realised he still had Becky's dog, lizard and kaola. He rushed back to give her them. She pushed them back at him in a very clear way to say, "They're yours now." No words can describe how Dave felt. He hugged her one last time and went off to catch his plane back to the other side of the planet.

The dog, who was quite dirty and probably quite old, meaning Becky had probably had him for quite a long time, got a wash as soon as the trio returned. He came out all clean and fluffy and now has the very original name of "Fluffy". The lizard, who kinda looks like a frog, is now named "Frog". The tiny cute little kaola who attached herself to Dave very quickly and lovingly and never wanted to let go, her name is

"Becky."

Sanming

Sanming, Dave's home away from home. He was glad to be back.

With only three weeks until his return to Little Britain his schedule was packed to bursting point. Mountains, zoos, swinging bridges, caves, nature in all it's glory and several posh meals a day. As always, Jean tried her best to let Dave know what was going to happen at least a 30 seconds in advance, but when she's only known about it for a few days herself it simply wasn't always possible. Dave understood.

Dave had hoped to find time to help out at a local orphanage whilst he was there. He had £400 in his pocket ready to donate to the right cause. It seemed so simple on paper. After a little thought however, Dave quickly realised it was neither simple nor a good idea. His busy schedule meant he would be able to give a day or two at most. Assuming he spoke the language, the first day would be taken up getting in people's way whilst he learnt what he was doing and the second day he may be of some very small use. With his complete lack of basic Chinese skills he would probably just be getting in the way for well over a week. Added to this the fact that any white guy in Sanming is treated like a celeb and he would probably cause quite alot of disruption with alot of the staff caring more about him than they would the children. The £400 would be heading back to England for another year of planning, where it would hopefully grow to a grand before the year was out.

Strange how 3 hours can seem like a lifetime, but 3 weeks can pass in the blink of an eye. So much to do, so little time. It had been good to catch up with all his old friends, Wen Yu, Lin Ying, Kou Kou Shu Shu, The Camel and the lions with their new babies amongst many others. But all too quickly the arrival of Bian signalled the begining of the end, the last few days, several more meals, some kareoke, dice games and a final farewell to the camel and they were on their way back to Beijing.

Zai Jian.

Fuzhou

Despite Fuzhou, the duet's touchdown location, being 3 hours away from Jean's home town of Sanming, there was Jean's mum to greet them at the airport, full of hugs and smiles for both.

Although the original plan had been to stay in Fuzhou a couple of days, apparently Jean's dad couldn't wait that long to see them, so the sight seeing trips were cut short. They stayed one night at Jean's cousin's place and were off to Sanming the next day.

They did however, just manage to squeeze in a small shopping trip in which Jean's mum bought the lovely couple a gift or two, including a brand spanking new laptop for him and an Ipod for her. He could kiss his Uni computer goodbye, this laptop did in three days what had took his Uni computer a month and had sorted out problems in a matter of minutes which his Uni computer simply refused to tackle. Put simply, it was sweeet.

"Xie xie mama."

Next stop, Sanming.

Dalian

After all the Shenyang joy, it was time to move on to the next stage of the journey, Bian's Dalian home.

Although staying in Dalian little more than a day, the trio still had time to take in several pretty sights and wonderous views. It was also the place where Dave got to cross off another of his things to do list, right next to his newly crossed off Skiing entry. The trio went Ice Skating.

Jean kept tight hold of the sides the entire time, Dave "let go" but stayed very very close, taking a much needed grab from time to time and Bian whizzed round without a care in the world, despite constant falls adding to his ever increasing head lump. All three had a great time, although after a while the shoes started to hurt Dave almost as much as a pair of high heals.

The day after that the trio became a duet and Dave and Jean where on another plane, flying south for the winter. Bian stayed behind with his mum and stepdad.

Speaking of Bian's parents, Dave hoped they knew how much he appreciated everything they had done. Not only had they put Dave and Jean, pretty much two complete strangers, up with a place to stay for over a week, but they had also took the time out to personally take the trio to all the places of interest mentioned in both Shenyang and Dalian, despite not actually joining in the fun for most of it. In comparison, some people in England complained when they had family over for a day at Christmas.

It was nice of them.

Christmas Week 2006

A train ride, three back to back flights and a quick little car journey and Dave, Jean and Bian finshed their 23 hour trip to arrive at Bian's Shenyang home on December 23rd 2006. Despite the desperate physical need for sleep, the trio soon discovered their body clocks where no longer in sync with either England or China and Christmas eve saw the three tired little puppies rise and shine at around 3am.

Time to explore.

Shenyang is a city ripe with history and, although possibly not traditional for Christmas, Dave and Jean spent their few days there taking a big bite. As the former capital, the Imperial Palace is a sight to behold, and supposedly matched only by Beijing's very own Forbidden City. The trio checked out every crook and cranny.

Next on the list came the home of a former Chinese general and his family. This much more recent slice of history tied in quite closely to the sights which followed, of a war museum and the location of the 18/9/1931 incident. An attempt to put the story together here shall be made, but the following may not be 100% accurate.

The general was killed by the Japanese in a train explosion around 1930 and one of his sons took his place. The Japanese had apparent plans for world domination and step one required they conquered the Sleeping Dragon of China. Part one of Step one began in Shenyang. 18/9/1931 the Japanese blew up their own rail way, claimed it was done by the Chinese and used it as an excuse to start the war. Shenyang was quickly overun. The new general was put under constant pressure to hand over control to Japan, but instead he handed the reigns over to central China, helping to unify China into the country it is today. Japans war on China lasted over a decade and the most horrific events took place. Mass Genocide was turned into a game and the rules got sicker and sicker by the day. For example, they gave people the plague, just to see what happened. That was one of the nicer of diseases.

60 years after it all ended, possibly the worst of Japans insults was that it still doesn't seem to care. Japanese students seem to be taught nothing much more of the event than "next time we shouldn't lose".

On a much needed lighter note, the trio visited the Strange Slope. A small slope on which objects role UPhill. Up until this point, Dave had always thought this idea to be nothing more than a joke invented for Father Ted. The Slope was bizarre. Everything Dave knew told him it was impossible, but things were definately rolling in what appeared very very much to be an uphill direction. Bian, despite living in the area most of his childhood and visiting the Slope before, had apparently no idea why this occured and no desire to find out. That would simply not do for Dave. The majority of Christmas night was spent searching for answers on the magic that is google. The best he could find and what he would have to settle for was it was "an optical illussion". It was a very good one.

Although entertaining, interesting and enlighting, the feeling of Christmas had not yet been captured. The first moments of real Christmas began early Christmas morning, when the trio awoke at a stupidly early time just like any good little boys and girls. This was, of cause, due to the messed up body clocks, but it set the scene none the less. They went out for an early morning Christmas walk in subzero temperatures and walked on water. The lake begin frozen helped a bit.

Boxing day it finally began to snow. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. The trio were off to Ski!! Dave had never been skiing before, but it had always looked like fun. It was way up there on his things to do list, right next to ice skating.

It was just as fun as it looked. Despite the trio having an instructor who took Bian and Jean seperately slowly and safetly down the hill on their first attempts, it was made abundately clear by Bian's step-dad that it really wasn't necessary to wait. He even gave Dave a helpful push in the right direction. Needless to say, Dave spent the majority of the first hour after that on his backside. But once he got the hang of it it was really cool.

And at least he didn't leave with a giant bump on his head like Bian.

It's Christmas

It's Christmas time

are you hanging up your stocking on your wall
There's no need to be afraid

it's the time that every Santa has a ball
At Christmas time

does he ride a red nosed reindeer
We let in light and we banish shade

does he turn up on his sleigh
And in our world of plenty
do the farries keep him sober for a day
We can spread a smile of joy

so here it is merry Christmas
Throw your arms around the world

everybody’s having fun
At Christmas time
look to the future now
But say a prayer
it's only just begun

Pray for the other ones
are you waiting for your family to arrive

At Christmas time it's hard
are you sure you've got the room to spare inside

But when you're having fun
does your granny always tell you

There's a world outside your window
that the old songs are the best

And it's a world of dread and fear
and she’s up and rock 'n' rolling with rest

Where the only water flowingso here it is merry Christmas

Is the bitter sting of tears
everybody’s having fun

And the Christmas bells that ring
look to the future now

There are the clanging chimes of doom
it's only just begun

Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you
what will your daddy do when he sees your momma kissing Santa, ahaa
Feed the world
are you hanging up your stocking on your wall

Let them know it's Christmas time
are you hoping that the snow will start to fall

Feed the world
do you ride on down the hillside

Do they know it's Christmas time at all?
in a boggy you have made
And there won't be snow in Africa
when you land upon your head

This Christmas time
then you will say

The greatest gift they'll get this year is life
so here it is merry Christmas

Where nothing ever grows
everybody’s having fun

No rain nor rivers flow
look to the future now

Do they know it's Christmas time at all?
it's only just begun
Feed the world
so here it is merry Christmas

Let them know it's Christmas time
everybody’s having fun

Feed the world
look to the future now

Let them know it's Christmas time again
it's only just begun
(Here's to you) raise a glass for everyone
so here it is merry Christmas

(Here's to them) underneath that burning sun
everybody’s having fun

Do they know it's Christmas time at all?
look to the future now
Feed the world
it's only just begun

Let them know it's Christmas time



-That's how Dave hears it.